Thursday, October 25, 2001  6:00 pm  <|>
<113> Can't bring myself to work: After two weeks of doing little else but work, and now that it is over, I just can't seem to bring myself to get back into working again.  I need a break and enough has happened in the last two days to make one even more needed now.  Lucky me, it's the weekend finally, it appeared out of no where yet I never thought that it would come.  Tonight my only concern is to have fun and allow myself to work out everything that is going on in my head.  I did some work on this website today.  A little yesterday too.  It's funny how I seem to do this directly following a lot of work or a major happening... oh well, at least the updates happen then, I know they've been few and far between lately, but I've been way too busy.   So I think I'm in some kind of creative mood, you know the kind that spurs from some event that could break you if you didn't know better?  I think I'm getting over it, though only half the time because the other half I am not so sure.  Now is that balanced (torment) or what?  I'm just undecided about some things I guess.  I know I said I was going to make some changes, but I guess it's just hard at first when you have to adjust to the change that has finally happened... I'm rambling, so what else is new?  And by the way, where did October go?  I could have sworn that it just started.  But now it's almost Halloween.  Have I really been here for 2 months now?  And in another two I will be leaving again, well not really, because I plan to spend a lot of time here in Philly over winter break, but still most of my friends will be leaving for a large part of it, so it just won't be the same.  I can't imagine such a long break, it'll be so nice.  Maybe it will even give me a chance to catch up on the million and one things I've been falling behind on and meaning to do since I started this semester.  I've learned a lot that I want to experiment with in my own work too in the last two months, but I'll have to wait at least another two before I really have apt time to try it all out.  The only nice thing about that is by then I'll know even more, right?  So, here I am, putting off work, but it's not really that bad of a thing to do because I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - all of which I can devote to work if I need to, and for a large part of this weekend I probably will be working, but why not?  It's not like I have anything better to do.  Not anymore...  Did you ever feel like you had finally gotten over someone, someone from the past, only to discover you really never were over them at all?  Sure, you get better at dealing with it, but that doesn't mean you've totally healed.  And I've been able to distract myself away from thinking about them, distractions come in many forms - people, places, objects, attractions....  I'll never be as bad as I once was, I've learned so much since then.  But just as I had always feared and always suspected, now it's more than likely too late to apply anything that I've learned to the situation that taught me to realize I needed to learn in the first place.  Such is life... one big fucking learning experience.  Grand.  I'm really not that bitter, honest, I'm just in an odd mood tonight.  I feel like I should be accomplishing something constantly, as I've grown so accustomed to working all the time when I'm not sleeping or eating.   It's become too hard for me to take a break, even when I most need it.  Yet I'm still falling behind and I'm no where near perfect, so what the hell have I been doing?  Fuck.  Why am I cursing so much tonight?  Far more than usual, but damn why not?  I've lost my course I think, so I'd better stop.  But I'll be back and hopefully in a better mood later on.