Monday, November 19, 2001  1:15 pm  <|>
<117> Rethinking motives: Do you think I'm stupid for what I do too?   It's a little hard when people you expect to support you not only don't but throw it in your face... even if it is all just in fun - because it's not in fun to me or maybe it's just poorly timed.  Do I pick apart everything that you do?  I don't and don't wish to so whatever. 

I've taken this site down a few times in the last couple of days and maybe that is giving in but I've been sick of it lately.   I have too much going on right now that a select few know about and the rest can keep on guessing.  And those people who do know don't even read this website, I'm fairly positive.  If they did I would honestly be surprised.  Some that know me do read this though and that's obviously allowed since I make this website available to whoever wants to come but it seriously bothers me when those who do know me decide to come and still proceed to not understand it and worse...  I don't mean to be a poor sport about it but I'd wish they'd just quit coming rather then blatantly disrespect everything I've done for the past 5 years of my life.  I know I'm not alone in what I do.   There's thousands to millions out there who do the same and maybe they are the only ones who could ever totally understand.  And, I know a lot of you really respect what I'm trying to do here and at least begin to understand the point of it.  Then again, I've never totally understood it myself, but it's worked out pretty well until now.   I've heard from many of you and believe me it is much appreciated.  Right now I'm just half pissed off and half not caring and I'm not sure that's a very good combination for me to be split between right now.  All this comes now and I'm barely even being online anymore.  Things aren't kept up as I'd like and it seems that as I've been thrown into the depths of my sophomore year already I have lost touch with my actual digital life in the process.  Well now, doesn't that suck?  Maybe I'm just being pulled in too many different directions. 

I looked around my room today and realized this is the first time I've had to really share my life with anyone.  I mean totally share it and parents don't count.  I'm talking about just being around people who I care about a lot all the time and being forced to be totally open with them just in terms of living and being together all the time.  And I'm not necessarily talking about roommates.  I love my parents, but one thing about them that to me was great is they didn't force me to share everything.  In response to that, I probably shared more with them then most kids growing up and was a better kid than I should have been.  I am quickly growing out of that perfection, but that's my own choice, just like this website or any project I do.  I don't understand why this is so fucking hard to understand.  I write for myself, sure, but there are other reasons and none of them involve being made fun of daily because of it.  Maybe it's done just for the response, or lack there of, and if so that's fine but get your response and be done with it because it's getting old.  To those whom it concerns, you will probably never read this - wouldn't that be nice?  It would prove my point.

Do I seem moody to you?  I'm really not.  I just think it should be said so I'm saying it because I can.  So there.   I am not going to change because one person likes to point out my flaws over and over again.  That's never what I've been about.  I may not have all the self confidence in the world if you couldn't tell, but I have always been my own person - so let me be and since I'm going to do whatever I want anyway, why not just make that easier for both of us?  I don't want this to be an issue.  In some good timing (for once) I got a few emails today actually that not only fit what was going on with this perfectly, but they really helped a lot too.  Just reminders and praise for what I'm doing here.  Honest conversation.  That's all any of this really is.  So why is that so hard to understand?  People make fun of what they don't understand or what they don't wish to anyway.  I shouldn't really care, that's not my problem, or at least it wasn't until it started getting fired back at me every time I turned around.   I just don't need that right now, okay? 

This is an especially long entry, but I'm going to continue to ramble.  I haven't been writing that much lately anyhow.   In other related news I need to write a paper today or at least get started...   it's about personal websites and weblogs, how ironic right?  It's for my Writing For Media class and I actually think it could be a very interesting piece if I had the time and energy to put into it.  But it's due on Wednesday and I'm not sure if I'll be able to summon up too much for its cause by then.  It's possible and if I do you might even get to read it.  Aren't you lucky?  So, in honor of this I suppose, I've been catching up on my weblogs and personal emails that I've fallen almost a month behind on recently.  It's helping me to get inspired to write it I guess and it also sparked this entry today so it's good for something.  It is lack of time mostly, but it's also for lack of connection that I've been missing from most of the digital world lately.  Real life's a bitch too, so why do I bother so much with it?  That's a lie on my part, I love most things about my life right now - except maybe the fact that it's confusing as all hell.  I can't even begin to explain that, so I won't.   But in closing, this is staying, so leave it alone, get used to it, and stop joking around because I really don't care to hear it anymore.  With that, thanks for playing... I can hear the world's tiniest violin playing for me right now... oh and by the way, I am feeling better now, thanks.