Friday, January 25, 2002  1:27 am  <|>
<128> Hopes and fears: For the first time ever in my whole life, I have been able to feel like I had complete control of my life.  Now, of course this feeling cannot stay with me constantly, but it does come and that's definitely more important then it probably sounds.  For the first time, I have everything going for me that needs to be for the most part, and what is not is all mostly getting there.  I've been working towards this time, but the scary thing is I know that it won't and probably can't ever last.  That's not to say I'm going to let it go without a fight though.  The other thing that scares me is no matter how together things seem to be, I know certain insecurities remain and I know that certain people have more power than they should over me.  These are bad people, in fact, some are the very people who also allow me to exist in such a "together" state most of the time.  But why must I rely on other people at all in the first place?  I think I'm a pretty strong person, but in order to remain so it seems I too need a little reassure from time to time.  This comes in many forms, but when things fall short, that is when things find a way to shake me a little.  I try so hard to keep this from happening, but it is in these single moments that I lose some of that control of which I pride myself on regaining.  It took awhile to do it and now I've finally come full circle, essentially one year later from when I started this massive change cycle.  And I expect another year from now I will have a completely different story to tell, only with the same themes of this one.   But who knows? 

Knowing now that I will never allow myself to hit another low point, not like I have in the past, is somewhat reassuring in itself I suppose.  But this is only a personal reassurance I allow myself and pales in comparison to the ones which come exclusively from outside sources.  My problem is that I let certain things and certain people influence me to a point in which they can blow back up in my face.  This happens when I care too much about something or someone and especially when I get burned and become more afraid to repeat a daring act following it.  It's basic human nature I suppose, though I couldn't quite tell you yet after only having one intro to philosophy class, but the book looks somewhat interesting and I'll let you know...  The thing that bugs the hell out of me is really not these little imperfections in my life, but it is that I am able to recognize them and am seemingly powerless to stop it none the less.  I have the natural "talent" of blowing things a bit out of proportion, not seeing them from enough other points of view which sometimes need to appear in opposition to my own.  I get used to something and I start to oppose change, when really only somewhat recently have I come to learn that it is precisely change which allows me to think this way, that allows me to live my life and be this person that I guess before I was always just searching for.   Not that I've fully found myself either, but I'm sure a hell of a lot closer then I once was, then I was even a year ago, though back then I know I was at least somewhere on the journey.  There is so much I want to do with my life and I have so much going on all the time, even now it seems.  My mind really doesn't get a rest a whole lot maybe because I do not allow it, but really because I just have so much to think about.   And when my thoughts begin to fall most often on a certain topic, that is when I start thinking like this, especially when that topic gives me any reason to doubt my own motives and fear the unknown aspects to it, as with anything that is uncertain and not completely under your own control.  I cannot let my life exist only at the mercy of fate and chance, however, I do recognize them as powers greater then myself.  But I embrace that and talk like an idiot sometimes (like now...) and ramble on about things that people don't really care about all because I know that something just isn't quite right yet, but I cannot seem to figure out what it is.  And I worry.  I worry about a lot of things and nothing all at the same time.  I try to "go with the flow" and let things happen as they may, which usually tends to work out amazingly well to my advantage.  But all at the same time, I cannot just sit back and do nothing all the time, because then I feel like I come across like I am not trying or caring at all, which is pretty much never the case with anything that I'm involved with, especially where people are concerned.  Do I drop hints?  I guess I do, but I don't make clear sense to myself half the time, so how am I supposed to succeed in being subtle with other people?  Do I take for granted what I have and all too often fail to see the greatness of what is currently happening to me?  Am I blind to this until it is too late, or is it until it is safe for me to finally pull the blinders back?   What exactly do I get out of all this stream of conscious thought and ironic undertones?  Who am I really asking these rhetorical questions to?  And maybe this is received to nobody, or maybe what I say is discovered by exactly who needs to read it.  Perhaps I make things worse if that is true.  So maybe I slowly undo what I have going for me or maybe just the opposite occurs.  Either way I allow myself to keep dreaming, and hope for my life I never have to wake up.