Saturday, February 9, 2002  8:38 pm  <|>
<129> Dreams don't last forever: This has been the most 180 degree week I have ever experienced in my entire life.  This time, exactly one week ago, what I didn't realize was the perfect world that I had discovered that day was about to fall apart.  About this time then I was greeting the end and without even knowing it.   But that's what happened and what followed wasn't any easier.  With each passing day I have changed my perception and my need to understand it completely has also faded.  A week later, this is where I am at.  I'm still wondering what the hell happened, but all at the same time I've accepted it as fate's next straight flush.   Once again I grew stronger, but I am tired of being strong and I am tired of letting balance direct my entire life.  When this is the case, you go a little too high and sure enough soon you are on the floor, holding on for dear life.  It may not exist so dramatically in real life, but I think that is a fair metaphor for it, especially for the week that I just had.  But that's the thing, it's all about balance and because of this, things slowly begin to calm down and even out in their own little ways.   There is good with the bad once again and you scow at the taste and then swallow it all because it is your only option.  I never wanted anything to be perfect, but I wanted, just once, to let happiness work independently of long term goals and just find its own way to succeed.  This is never the case though, as something else always must come into play, but it's a nice dream after all.  So my dreams aren't gone completely, don't get me wrong, but I am certainly disillusioned and even though things appear fine to most, including me sometimes, I am not entirely certain that this is the case.  So I don't let my guard down, even when I really need to, because strength too also comes with its penalties.