Tuesday, February 19, 2002  4:57 pm  <|>
<130> Reflex & recover: When presented with anything in life, you are often forced to deal with it, no matter how much you wish you could avoid it, no matter how much you hate going through it.  That has been my life for the last two weeks or so.  On many more then one occasion, a situation has presented itself that not only did I have to deal with it, but it's been one of the hardest times ever.  And you know what, it's sucked.  There have been good incidents here and there over the last two weeks, but it's hard for isolated good things to out weight the bad ones sometimes.   Dealing with shit sucks sometimes, pure and simple, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it but deal with it.  Social life, living situations, money matters, and computer problems... whatever can go wrong not only does, but it likes to be followed by other things going wrong as well it seems.  And you know what, for the most part I think I've been dealing with everything quite well, considering.  Life always has its up and down moments and it's not like I'm not still up at night thinking about it all, but what else can I do? 

I want to feel like everything is right, all at once, again.... like I did a few weeks ago, when we'd just gotten back from winter break, everyone was so happy to be back together, and reality felt real for once.   Now, I don't know, I fight to even be motivated half the time, not to mention to be happy.  There are moments here and there, but overall, I dunno.  I want to be both, but so many things are constantly coming up that it's hard to find a high and stick with it.  Anything that shows promise of really working out almost always fails and I hate to take such a view, but right now I just can't help it.  Uncertainly and confusion get in the way of so many things and it is my fear that when people do finally figure things out, it's going to be too late and I'm going to lose out in the end along with everyone else.  Being powerless to control much of it is also frustrating, but again, that's just something I have to deal with.