Monday, February 25, 2002  11:49 pm  <|>
<131> Resolved waiting: Still searching for something to break me out of this cycle, I approach two more weeks of burden before I get a "break," but even that holds no guarantees.  I've been going through such mood swings lately and I don't think I can blame this all on some girlish excuse like PMS... I literally will be fine one minute, upset the next, and back again and it's damn confusing.  I know some of what is bothering me, but I don't know exactly why everything bothers me lately.  What I do know is I can't seem to escape it, not for any decent period of time at least.  I know what makes me happy and I know what I can't have, so why can't I just come to terms with these things and get passed them?  Even not being content with some things would be one thing, but I'm discontent with basically everything most of the time and maybe all this uncertainly will fade in time, but I become more and more doubtful with each passing day. 

I want to think that once I get through these next two weeks of midterms, once all the projects and papers are turned in, tests taken, maybe then in that week of freedom I will find a way to break the cycle, but even here two weeks away from all that possibility I am already quite doubtful, which isn't helping matters any.  I'm dissatisfied with the work I am doing.  It's coming out ok and probably easier then it should be, I dunno, but overall maybe I should be more stressed out (while at the same time plenty stressed out on oh so many levels).  I have found fun in a few things lately and I am resolved to resort to those things only if this discourse keeps up much longer.  Life is full of frustrations, I am prepared to accept that, but everyone needs a little break in there sometimes don't you think?   It seems only natural now to complain so frequently when just a month ago I was probably happier then I have been in such a very long time.  Security is hard to find and then once you find it and it's pulled out from under you, well that's not something you recover too easily from, at least I don't.  And I've been thinking lately that I must really sound like a nutcase sometimes throughout all my references and ramble.   I am resolved to this too now though.  If I want to speak in riddles I will continue to do so I suppose because I am too set in my ways and too uncaring to make anymore then a half conscious effort at this point.  And I'm waiting for all of this to change again... waiting and waiting and waiting.