Sunday, March 10, 2002  1:45 am  <|>
<135> Rest to reason: I'm officially on spring break now. It's a needed break in more ways then one, I can tell you that much. Something tells me that things are changing, even though they can't be seen just yet. I have a feeling things are going to be a lot different a week from now, when the semester resumes and we all get back to our "normal" lives. I'm interested to see what all of this will mean for me, but I'd like to think it looks promising. The last week of school prior to this weekend was probably one of the most stressful of my college life and now that it's over everything else should be a piece of cake, right? Somehow I doubt that, but it is a step in the right direction... and one more step towards my college life being over, which is not a good thing in my opinion as much as it is a good thing. I don't really want my college life to end anytime soon but before I know it this semester is going to be over, as well as this year... marking the halfway point of college - where did all the time go? I swear high school never flew by like this. But anyway, this break is leaving me to ponder a lot of things and as I try to rethink my entire existence, I am finding that apart from a few flaws it's really not so bad. I am not prepared to accept my lack of satisfaction in some areas, but I am prepared to fight for what I believe in and for which that I think I deserve. I sound insane a lot of the time, but that's because I decide to write at such odd hours during such odd moods... so sorry about that but I think it's an interesting way to reflect at the very least.

So I'm at home once again. I'm never at home in NJ very much... over a year ago now I moved out and learned to adjust on my own. I seem to remember spending last spring break working on a big project for my Interface class. This break I have minor amounts of work to do school wise, but a lot to do real job wise not to mention my ongoing desire to redo this site and work on my other personal ideas and projects. I am determined to just have some down time this break though. I'm staying home until Wednesday or Thursday, then I'm returning to Philly for a few days there. I'll have the place to myself and be somewhat alone in general as only a few of my close friends are there. Most of my close friends are all together this break, on a ski and snowboarding trip up in Quebec, the bastards.... I should have gone, but I'm not very good at it (my first time was over winter break) and I couldn't really spare the money anyway. Especially when I'm considering a few costly trips and I still want dual flat panel monitors... hehe. But in retrospect (and as a way to make myself feel better about NOT being in a bar in Canada with all my friends where it's legal to drink right now) it's probably very good for me to be apart from them and on my own for a week. There is more going on then I care to realize sometimes and often the best way to rethink things is to go off on your own and reflect on all of it. Hopefully it'll do me some good and everyone involved too maybe if we're lucky. I dunno, I know I make little sense sometimes... it's becoming my occupation. There has to be something said for being a human conflict though right? I wonder who reads this sometimes. I know people read it, but then I'm left to wonder how many of those people actually know me. I know there are a few who know me all too well that also read this and then I'm left to question my motives for keeping this thing in the first place too. Right now these entries serve as the major focus of my site... I guess that is the case for most "blog" sites, but I have to ask myself if that is really my intention? I love being able to vent and relate to total strangers... I mean who wouldn't right? Some people can't image why I would be so open and post my life out into an online world mostly made up of people who don't even know me at all. It's an interesting question that I guess anyone who runs this type of site gets asked and thus has to ask themselves... and then I wonder, do any of us really have a straight answer? I think all of us have our own personal reasons. For me I like the freedom, the feedback, and the comfort that comes in knowing you aren't alone in feeling the ways you do - this reassurance comes in the forms of emails, other people, etc... but it's there, period. And that helps more then you can imagine sometimes. And then there are the times I have no idea why I bother doing this. For it's great if it makes me feel better, but at the same time it can become a pressure point - easily accessed by anyone who wants to and can create a wound deeper then most when hit in the right way. For an insecure person you would think this is not the best way of going about things, but for a person who just loves to write about life and about thoughts and about feelings... well then I guess this serves its purpose. And if just one person reads it and relates, whether they know me or not (and most often not I'd say) then it's worth me putting it out there in the first place right? Pardon this extensive rant... THIS is what happens when someone who NEVER has time all of a sudden has a week to kill. Too bad this illusion of having nothing to do will most definitely wear off by morning. Oh well, delusions are fun while they last...