Monday, August 12, 2002  10:31 pm  <|>
<156> Call me from the coffee shop: Tonight I sit here surrounded by both my motives and my questions... and I suppose my wonder to, my wonder at the world and the way it works, and my place in amongst all of it. I rarely expect to find the answers, but I keep on asking them anyway. You know you do the same thing. My moods change so often lately, or at least this is how it seems. I don't mind it much when they are positive type moods, it's just the down ones that I would care to avoid completely if I had that power... but I know I don't. Losing a lot of my control has been something I've been forced to come to accept more recently. I often need to feel I have at least some degree of control over things, most people do, but in terms of the major things I deal with now I really don't and I'm forced to be reminded of this fact often. Just the same though, one day will come out of no where and remind me just the same that I do still posess quite a bit of that control that I prize so greatly, I just have to know where to look and how to find it...

So maybe I am looking in the wrong places? No, I've done pretty well so far if you ask me. Just because I can't control everything doesn't mean that the power I do have has gone to waste in any way, shape, or form. I live a good life, it's just got it's share of challenges, and SUCH IS LIFE anyway. I've just hit a spot of inspiration now I'd say.. one that is allowing me to rethink a lot of things that are of great concern at this time, at least of great concern to ME at this time... What exactly is it that I want now, I mean besides the obvious? And is there really that one person out there for you, the one that completes you and you can't imagine being without once you've found them? Reading Cait's entry today, as I do on most days, put me in such a mood further. In my naive journey through life so far I've hit my share of false hopes of love. Some hit closer to the mark than others and just the same some left deeper scars. But I came through all of that and every time it was hurting so badly, even then I knew that I was gaining something too because I started out knowing nothing (just like everyone else) and with each bit of more time that passes I am gaining more and more too, the bad with the good and the knowledge I end up with will hopefully be enough to keep me going into the next chapter. I don't try to define "love" exactly (though Cait hit the mark quite well my opinion) but what I do define is the existance of it which also allows me to notice all too easily the lack there of that is usually the case. So this leaves me to wonder what to believe when I think I've finally found what I am looking for when there is little for me to do about it..

I'm left to reconsider certain things... people and obligations that have always been there, it's just I haven't always seen them in the way that maybe I should. But can you realize something and accept that it is too late for it to go any farther? I'm not prepared to give up that easily when it really matters. So instead I will just bide my time and wait for a future moment in which things don't seem cloudy anymore, a time when everything makes sense, and a time when I will be with the person who truly counts the most and they will know they are in the same place...

Where are all these thoughts coming from lately? I think it's simply that my mind has been in overload mode for so long that once that broke (and broke down in a way) it was only then that it was able to rebuild itself respectfully and remind me just how it really goes. Between bites of apple pie cookie from immaculate consumption --yum-- (courtesy of the gift basket I discovered in the pantry tonight from when I was in the hospital) I think about all the little things that make my life worth living. That may sound cheesy, but when faced with all the things I am I suppose I am entitled to such statements every once in awhile. Somehow after this "down" week I've experienced I've come out of this yet stronger, or so it seems for now, because my mind and creativity have briefly returned and I'm trying not to let that go to waste. We used to go to the coffee shop sometimes and just sit. Of course we'd talk, but we were together a lot, so talking wasn't always needed and that's one of those times when I just know something is right without even realizing these thoughts are going through my head. There is just this feeling that I've experienced before and believe I will again, but to do so I know is a process I cannot rush nor force. For if I dare to, I worry that I'll lose my grasp on it forever. I miss something that I don't think I've lost, but been forced to put it aside until a time when it is right to be there again. And I will do this, for once again I go back to believing that what is meant to be will be, but also once again this leaves me giving up even more control... and then I realize I never really had much to begin with where this is concerned - but it's nice to dream, leaving me to hope and I will hold on to that until the very end.