Saturday, August 24, 2002  12:42 am  <|>
<157> Making things work: How does one determine if they are becoming too moody or not? Coming from someone who prides themselves in hardly ever having these mood swings in the past it's rather hard to imagine them taking over so greatly now. Yes I know I have like a dozen medications to blame if I so choose, so I don't want to just always be blaming something else you know? That just seems too easy. But regardless, lately I've just felt like I've been jumping from mood to mood, half up and half down but not in the bipolar sense so much as just in general. Maybe it's as simple as getting your hopes up again and again only to have what you want rarely come true... but that happens to everyone, it's always been happening to me and that's never created such trouble before. Yes, I know I was hit with a pretty traumatic event and they keep reminding me I have every right to have trouble dealing with it, but the thing is I really don't think that that is it. Sure, it plays a part, but there is something more to it, something that was present long before my kidney's kicked out, or the lupus moved in. It started sometime around the moment when I learned to think clearly and it began to break down the second that ability started to fade, become a little fuzzy, and make my clear headedness cloudy in certain respects. Speaking of which I'm sure a bit of this post has already become a bit cloudy from all of my ramble so perhaps I should just stop with all this for now.

I'm in Philadelphia tonight. My roommate Emily just got back yesterday. She's back for good and it was her birthday today, so we had a few people over and I dunno I guess I was expecting it to feel like old times but it didn't and I got a little disappointed. I guess I was just expecting something more out of tonight. But over the course of the next two weeks everyone will be returning who hasn't already and then perhaps things will be more "normal?" I am not kidding myself, things will never quite be the same way they were before the summer, before everything happened. I've always been well aware of this but at the same time I have to welcome certain things that this means. It means things change once again, majorly, and give new life and hope to certain areas that may have otherwise had no chance. So I'm left wishing for things to work out the way they should, embracing the changes and accepting the disappointments that come through along the way because all of that was always there to begin with - it's only now that I'm seeing it so much clearly.