Monday, October 21, 2002  1:28 am  <|>
<163> Do all but what you should: I should be going to bed at some point... I have to wake up at 6am afterall, my usual wake up time three times a week in honor of dialysis. But I'm a night person, forever will be probably, and I can't help it, this is just the time when I'm both most productive and most interested in doing things - anything. Besides, I can get some sleep when I'm there and then afterwards probably not much for the following 22 hrs or so. My one doctor is making me wear a "24 hr" blood pressure monitor tomorrow. They'll hook me up to that when I get off of dialysis, which is usually around noon, and then expect me to keep it on for a full 24 hrs, but I have class in 22 hrs after that, so I'll be removing it then. I refuse to sit with it on during my class. I'm already making a inconvenience to myself by going home to NJ after dialysis and spending the night there even though I have class in the morning. I feel like it will just work out better because the monitor goes off every half hour and it will keep me up all night for the most part, so I might as well go home home where I won't bother anyone else with it. But it's annoying because now my mom has to wake up extra early with me before she has to go to work so that I can return to Philly and get to my class. Plus, I did this monitor once before and proved then that my pressures were overly excellent actually all of the time. The doctors were quite impressed... then some things happened and now they're back to being iffy when I'm in dialysis and perhaps not high but higher than they used to be when I'm not, so they want to do another check. That's fine and all, it's just annoying.

Yesterday I got treated to an awesome dinner by my good friend Concetta's parents. They came up to visit her and took her, Sara (her roommate), Jon (her boyfriend) - both my friends as well - and me out to dinner at a place I wouldn't normally have ever entered probably. It was called the Victor Cafe is apparently a bit famous. I actually think the name sounds familiar, but I'm not sure where I would have been hearing about it from before this. Co-titled "the music lover's rendezvous" - it's a place where all the waiters are by audition only because every 15-20 min or so one of them will step up, the room will hush, and they will sing some selections of opera... crazy man, but interesting. The two older couples next to us proved the point of the type of people who tend to enter this place to eat, the one couple had just FLOWN in from Chicago for the night just to have dinner there. This made no sense at all to me when I overheard it but then it made only a step more sense when they got a sparkling cupcake in honor of their anniversary. Still, you might have a great life if you just FLY in to Philly one night from your place in Chicago "just because" or "just because" you have a reason either. It doesn't matter, you still flew from one major city to another to have dinner. Ok, I'm done talking about that now, I actually thought besides being insane it was kind of cool, I want to have that kind of freedom and power someday. Anyhow, Concetta's parents were pretty cool, especially her dad who was hilarious. I had a yummy salad with the softest leaves of lettuce (well which wasn't regular lettuce I'm sure) that I've ever tasted followed by the Fettitchini Giseppi Verdi, which I know I just mangled in the form of spelling (oh but since I looked up their website and their menu was posted I discovered the actual spelling, cause I know you really care, which is: FETTUCCINE GIUSEPPE VERDI - ok now we can move on). It was really good though, with green noodles, spinach, mushrooms, and tomato bits in a cream sauce - YUM. I couldn't even attempt to eat it all I was so full after the salad which had only followed the bread and olives they served prior to that. So I got to take that home and enjoy more of it tonight for dinner, but we didn't all leave without grabbing a bit of desert. I had a cannoli, which you can never go wrong with, but all of the deserts at our table looked absolutely delicious, too bad i was so full I didn't even finish my last bite of my own desert, which is ashame in itself I am sure. Probably not a place I will end up at much again, one being it was in South Philly which is not where I live in Philly and the crowd... well let's just say the college kids don't hang out there. It was a semi-formal dress too, so I had cause to where this new skirt I picked up last weekend when my best friend Kristen came to visit and shop with me. We all rarely have cause to dress up around here, not that I'm a huge fan of doing so, but it's nice once in awhile. All in all it was a good time. I finished off the night after we returned by going to a party with my friends and then hanging out at my other friend's place until well past 4am watching the A-TEAM and a special on Andy Kaufman. Boy do we know how to have a good time! Sometimes it doesn't matter what you are doing as much as who you are with... but I won't get into that anymore just now.

So I'm going home tomorrow and hopefully getting a bunch of work done, reading mostly, and such and I still haven't packed anything at all in respects to this fact. People keep IMing me and I keep getting distracted. If it's not that then the phone is ringing or one of my roommates comes in, but not Emily because she's been asleep since about midnight, which is slightly early even for her, so it's dark in here and now 2:22 am exactly as I'm typing this and you would think for one I would have gotten the hint to go to bed awhile ago and two that all these people would go to bed also and stop distracting me!! ;) That's right, it's all THEIR fault, why would I take any blame for myself?

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing. I seem to be endlessly waiting for something to happen in all aspects of my life right now - waiting for my health to improve, waiting for my prince charming to come (okay that's cheesy, but half true), waiting for the semester to come and go like they all do (just hopefully not passing TOO quickly), and waiting for the world to wise up (and on that I would never hold my breath). I feel like in some aspects of the waiting I should be doing something actively to change the situation, improve upon it, movie it in some way, but yet I am static most of the time and it can get quite frustrating. But I used to be one who hated change and now I'm in a constant state of it or at least I used to be up until a while ago... and I guess then when it started to be common place I just accepted it and/or realized it wasn't as bad as I had previously made it out to be. But now I live on chances and wait for change to come in hopes that it brings better things then what is present. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, which is the concept of chance then isn't it, but what do I really think I am waiting around for? I get myself into cycles which do not expand too far, just like their definition grants that it repeats in circles, going around and not getting anywhere too specifically for an indefinite period of time... not until it's broken and so is that what I wait for then? Ehh, I don't know. Then I look at my kitten, who lays on his back while he tries to attack my hand, but yet looks so incredibly innocent with those big blue eyes - a reminder that the simple things in life really do matter. Ok, I'm being even more cheesy now I know, I guess I'm really tired, it is almost 3am afterall - who said I needed any sleep?

I think I could sit here all night and watch this kitten, who's now falling asleep in my lap rather than attacking at the moment, oh yeah, and I STILL haven't packed... I guess I'm not really unhappy despite the many things that offer themselves up to give me reason to claim unhappiness. I mean, no one would blame me for finding that state, yet I prefer something else. I play the role of the advisor often, the ever so wise one who talks better then she experiences half the time, yet people listen (and they read too or why else would you be reading this?) so I keep preaching even if I don't practice it all myself. Those who can't, teach - isn't that how it goes? Do I give up that much for everyone else? I guess so, but then when do I start doing what I should and give up for me? Is that even what I "should" do? Maybe it is my lot in life to provide for other people for the most part. How should I know? It isn't so bad, it's really not, so I don't mean to complain about it. I've had my share of good times and parts where things just seemed to go my way. Some people who even say I was luckier than most, or would have continued to claim so until the most recent pattern of events I suppose, because it's kind of hard to agree luck as my case now. And since things have changed and this new pattern and taken hold of my life everything else too, that was good and bad before the change, has almost flipped itself over. What used to bother me doesn't anymore and vice versa. Those I was at ends with, some I have found my way back to and now am closer to than ever, while yet some others continue to slip further and further away from me and I cannot understand why it has to be this way. I try to clear this blurry vision that seems to block my view of what is real and I look for duplications, that glitch in the system, but I just can't seem to put my finger on it. So until that time I guess I will just keep on waiting, why not, I've gotten very good at it now don't you know?