Thursday, November 28, 2002  3:54 am  <|>
<167> Change to change: Happy Thanksgiving! Such marks another year and the approaching holiday reminds of past years already gone by; the fact that time is constantly spinning by. I'm hungry for life in a way tonight that only happens so often, yet I'm not sure what to do with such energy. I seem to be constantly working towards something, which is fine, but once in awhile you are forced to stop and question yourself to find out if you are really getting anywhere. Am I? I usually seem to think so, but it's hard not to stagnate in the world we live in. It's the simple things that have to keep you going. Maybe that is the right way to go, but keeping up with time isn't often easy.

I've decided to start keeping a book of quotes/conversation bits/thoughts. I think I've decided this before but never actually done it. I haven't technically done it yet this time either, but I definitely intend to. As many of you know I already keep many books of my poetry, as well as a journal or two, so why not add to the collection this? I've actually been doing this already for quite a long time now. I keep a little text doc on my desktop where I will put in any quote I or someone else says on a certain day. This list has grown over a period of well over a year or two now and I'm sure many of the quotes I hear and want to keep do end up getting lost forever in the abyss of time, but at least I capture what I can. I suppose some of it is meant to slip through the cracks sometimes, if not things mind get just a little too recorded...

I have been talking about my book of poetry that is in the process of being processed. Well, the time has finally come where it is completely out of my hands (in a good way). I turned in the final proof forms of it (after spending a week proofing every single page a time or two over) and so it is in the final stages of becoming a real publication. It's kind of exciting. I've always wanted to have a book published and although this isn't my memoirs quite yet (I figure I have a bit of time to wait to keep that one interesting...) it should be pretty cool and a good place to start with being a published writer for real. And I've said this whole time the reason of publishing my poetry is least of all to make any money, which I highly don't expect to come from this, but if I sell any of them, all I can say really is I'm going to be psyched enough to see that those sales represent people who really want to read what I've written (and hopefully not all readers being related to me) and then I'll worry about the very small percent cuttage that I get from the publisher. They tell me that my book should be available for purchase just before Christmas if all goes along on time. This is a bit longer then I had hoped but at the same time I remind myself that Christmas time is really just around the corner... as if the fact that today is technically Thanksgiving weren't enough.

Hobbes came home with my for the occasion. Two of my roommates went home for the whole of this short little break and one was supposed to be home for a few days (though now he might be back in the city right after turkey dinner) so the task fell on my to take home our dear little kitten. As I type he looks at me over top my mom's laptop screen and probably wishes my home pets were a little more friendly. I figured he'd be okay with them also in the house, and he is, but I can't say they are all getting along so happily. My cat at home, Misha, has hissed more tonight then I have ever heard her do in the 15 years of her life so far, but I suppose she never had much reason to until tonight either. My mom says she's just marking her territory, which I can understand, but it's not like she's never seen another cat before. My other cat, Mittens, who I got at the same time as Misha when I was five years old, passed away a few years ago now, so Misha has been the sole cat of the house, but she's used to dealing with my two dogs... I think she's just surprised by Hobbes' presents... actually I think the word for it is annoyed. I think it'll all be ok though. He's only here for a couple days, so everyone in this house can adjust... isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about? ;O)

Actually Thanksgiving in my house is progressively less and less such as the years go by. First of all, I'm a vegetarian, so as a child it wasn't the most exciting holiday. I usually could care less, would eat some mac and cheese in front of the tv while everyone else scarfed down their meat infested meal in the other room. Back then I couldn't appreciate the fact that my family was together, especially since my immediate and extended family was always basically the same thing and we saw each other just about every single day. Then it was my parents, my grandparents (on my mom's side), my brother, his wife, and me. Then time took it's toll on our already small family at various times and cut us up a bit instead of allowing us to grow to a point of which I miss it now; my grandmother passed away the beginning of my senior year of high school, my grandfather is sick with parkinson's disease, my brother got divorced... but back then I didn't know what I was taking for granted and now I seem to be the only one who cares. It's ironic I guess, me being the one who seemed to care the least about family ties for so long. I don't know, maybe it's just something about THIS year that is making it bother me now. I have been through a lot, we all have, and it's leaving me wishing we could just all come together again at this time when so many families around the nation celebrate together, perhaps some somewhat falsely, and "give thanks" for what they have (or curse it all for what they do not). Thanksgiving in my house these last few years has seemed like anything but. We've never been one to even have family dinners, Thanksgiving was basically one of the only times a year we'd all sit down together to eat. Now it's been reduced down so much that I don't even believe it exists at all, at least I don't see the point in calling it a Thanksgiving dinner, for the participants seem to be missing in action. My parents will be here yes and that's it besides me. My brother isn't even coming, which I guess bothers me most because I already never see him and I guess I just figured this was one time that we'd all be together, my immediate family (even though he has an extended one of his own now), but it seems this is not the case. My mom bought this "tofu turkey" this year, which I actually suggested in passing while walking through the cold section of Whole Foods a few weeks ago. My mom doesn't eat meat either so dinner is shrimp for my dad and this Thanksgiving image turkey for my mom and I - of course this is provided that it doesn't taste terrible when we actually attempt to eat it. It even comes with "wish sticks" - c'mon us veggies need to have a little Thanksgiving tradition too even if we don't fully participate in the mass slaughter. For me, the dinner is also a little ruined due to my own failing health. Renal diet restrictions really do suck sometimes and I think I suffer less than most on it as it doesn't kill my usual diet too badly until you come to the avoidance of things like potatoes and tomatoes. I always can allow myself a little tomato sauce for my pasta, but potatoes, one of my favorite foods, has been so scare in my diet since May and I'd say it is these that I miss the most. I can have them on occasion, but it's usually not worth trying to determine how much I can be allowed so I don't bother. But I am determined to enjoy a bit of them for Thanksgiving, high in potassium or not! So mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes here I come, even if it is in smaller portions. Actually I already had a tiny bit. My friends and I had a Thanksgiving potluck on Tuesday since it was the last day we'd all be together before break. Even though there was just stuffing, various kinds of mashed potatoes, and cornbread that the vegetarians in my group could eat (which with my friends numbers 3 1/2 including me) it was still a good meal and probably more of one than I'll even have with my actual family. But it doesn't matter, I consider my friends just as close as my blood family anyhow. So at least I had that.

It's already 6 in the morning and yes I'm still awake. This is what happens when I sleep through half the day as tends to happen on days I have dialysis. I am just now beginning to get tired, so perhaps I'll go to bed soon because I don't want to sleep through the holiday. I need to be very productive tomorrow if possible. I have 3 major papers to write, 1 minor one, and still the preparation for our final multimedia studio group project. For the latter of the list I will be returning to the city on Saturday to meet up with my other two group members in order to take care of some things for the project. As for the rest I really need to knock out what I can for these papers, especially since one is definitely due on Tuesday, another on Thursday, and I have no time in between. Ick, I feel like the break is already over when it only begun but I guess when your time is already spoken for it's only natural to feel this way. I recall it usually being like this the last two years, as I've always had some major assignment or project overshadowing my Thanksgiving fun.

What I did do already was spend some time earlier tonight with my best friend and another close friend of mine from home. We just sat around and talked mostly for hours, until 2am actually which is also why I'm still awake now. It was really nice, but I think it's just about time for me to call it a night or a day or whatever it is. Hopefully I will still be feeling productive when I awake again later this morning, ready not just for the holiday, but for getting a lot of things done in a somewhat short period of time. We'll see how it goes. All I know is lately I've been ready to change, to embrace the fact that I need to start sitting up and taking back the control that I was forced to relinquish for awhile. This is my plan and it's put into action a little more with each passing day, but hopefully soon it will take off and take me in the right direction. We can only watch and try not to hold our breath too tight, as there are never any guarantees... but I predict that time and even fate might just be on my side this time around, maybe they always were... they just have a funny way of showing it.