Thursday, March 13, 2003  7:35 pm  <|>
<174> Does it go any other way?: What is it about me that always does this? Creates a problem out of what shouldn't be one. Allow myself to think I know what's going on when I really don't. Is it just my imagination? I want it to be so badly. Give it a day and I'll change my mind. That's how all this goes... why do I do it time and time again? It doesn't help anything and only tends to make matters worse... yet I haven't learned my lesson yet. Or really, I guess this time I have learned something because I'm trying so hard NOT to push... and I guess I haven't, YET... but I can feel it coming on and I don't like it one bit. It shouldn't be so hard. I shouldn't let it happen; let the feelings invade my mind and make me so doubtful, so unsure of myself and my situation. It makes no sense (until it's proven more than paranoia) and then I'm not so crazy anymore. Why do I get into these moods? I know in a day, in an hour, it can be completely better. So why do I indulge it? When will I learn for real that I don't control things. I need to take things in stride. I need to chill in every situation, but sometimes I just feel like I should do more than that. Various opinion doesn't help as it conflicts. So I sit and type nonsense, waiting for something to make it all better. I'm not unhappy, I'm still happier than I've been in so long, but I'm beginning to doubt and I hate it so much. I want to find something to reassure myself somehow, but I know the only way to do that isn't possible just yet. So I'm going to keep trying to hold on to what I have, because I don't want to lose it for anything and just like so many times in my past, if I push I feel like I will lose it... and I just cannot let that happen this time because I really do care too much already.