Friday, March 14, 2003  11:32 pm  <|>
<175> Tonight like any other: The following post I wrote at the noted time... but really now I add this pretext much later, it's now 2 in the morning and I thought about deleting what I had written before as it hadn't been posted yet, but then I decided that that wouldn't be fair. What follows is really what I was feeling and just because my head is now a little clear... that doesn't mean what I said before should be forgotten... and so I leave the following to be read, but I write more after too because I've thought a lot through in the hours that existed in between... so here goes...

[I think sometimes you have to realize that all of your dreams cannot come true. I think that's when we grow up. And I think sometimes we want to let ourselves believe in so much, only to get disappointed when our high expectations cannot be met. I know this sounds like a very pessimistic view, I suppose it is, but it's also just realistic. You gain experience with every experience - with every new friend made, with every heart broken... you keep on going because you have to, but you also gain something every time too. For me, I've had plenty of all of it (and then some) but I still fail to understand the way things go sometimes. I try to just live my life, but things always get in the way and I don't know that there's really anything anyone can do about that. I want to believe that so much is possible, but sometimes I just get so disillusioned. And I want to say it's silly and make myself believe that things aren't so bad... sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. How do you mend something that you didn't think could break? And can it even be done? Tonight is a night like any other night, but in it I accept a lot of bad things which I don't want to deal with right now. I think sometimes I should be through trusting people, I always do it and I always get hurt. You would think I would learn. You would think I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it any more. You would think I'd be used to it. Well, I'm not. And I don't ever want to be. The day I do that is the day I become numb to things and I never want to be quite that way. Disappointment will always come to exist. I will have my heart broken time and time again, even when I don't think it should be possible, I know it really is... I just don't want to believe it, don't want to allow myself to doubt something I thought was really great. Really worth something or at least on its way to being so... but I guess maybe I was mistaken? Or maybe again I make a big deal out of nothing. Either way, despite the outcome, it hurts... and I really don't know how I can keep putting myself through it. I can't even listen to music right now, which usually always calms me down at least somewhat. There is too much going on and everything reminds me of something else.]

But I am listening to music now. Blessed Union of Souls, how sappy can I be? (hey though it's good music man!) It makes me think tonight (while at the same time reminding me of middle school dances lol). I'm in a much calmer state now and I have a good friend to thank for that... one that I maybe don't deserve to have after all we've been through, but one tonight I am thankful for. I still don't have anymore answers than I did when I was asking questions earlier, but I feel so much better after talking and catching up with someone who somehow seems to understand me or at least be understanding of me enough to listen which really is all a true friend can do. I keep this in mind and remind myself that these are the things life is really made up of. I have to believe... believe that tomorrow I will wish I could take it all back because I will have found a better day... I can only hope.