Tuesday, March 25, 2003  12:49 am  <|>
<179> What a rotten day: This day needs to be over. It's as simple as that and technically it is.. there is still a few more hours to get through before bed time comes and a new "day" begins. Everyone has bad days from time to time, but today just sucked. That's all I even have the energy to say about it. And now that it's close to being over, I don't want to think about it... but I can't really help it. Things right now feel so out of balance. I know this completely contradicts what I was saying I guess it was just last night... but I just don't know what to do anymore. I need a break from something but I can't quite place from what. I guess just from life. I know we just had spring break, but that didn't go at all well and I really didn't get anywhere good as a result of it. I have so much running circles around my mind and I just want it all to stop or at least take a little breather. It's got to eventually right? Nothing can go non stop forever, not things like this, at least I hope not. Why my days lately have been filled with so many ups and downs I think I know, but really there is just a lot going on right now and a lot of it not only do I not control, but I feel helpless to even try to guide it in any way. When I do try, things just seem to get worse, so I get to the point where I don't know why I even bother. I'm tired of it. Tired today of all of it and I guess that's a big part of why today started horribly and is ending soon enough. I had to take a nap today, I couldn't even go to class, I felt so sick. I'm feeling somewhat better now tonight, but not that much; I've just had an "out of it" day and I've learned to just accept these days and move passed them as I have to in order to keep going. I wonder what I can do to get out of this? Tomorrow things could be 100% better or I could still be stuck in this place that I've been in lately. Again, too much on my mind, some of it more important than other thoughts, yet all of it comes together to make my blood pressure rise (and we can't be having that now can we?). So I somehow should know better anyway. I know better than to let myself get so deeply involved with people and things... yet I do it again and again anyway because I just can't seem to beat down my own belief that things can work out, people can be happy, and things can go my way once in awhile. Yeah, once in awhile... but it all ends just as quickly as it starts. I remind myself that we're in war, families are losing their loved ones, a lot of people wake up every day in fear and live with the terror of the uncertainty of their daily lives. How dare I compare that to what I go through everyday? Can I really be so selfish? And I'm in envy of certain ones around me right now. Some people, both deserving and not, get happiness wherever they go it seems. I remember when I used to be that way. Being happy was just something I felt naturally, I was almost never down, I guess that might be unhealthy and now I try to remember a time like that. It's not that I'm so deep down miserable, but I hesitate once again to call what I live with happy right now because I think that would be lying. That feeling got replaced with worry and feelings of foolishness amongst uncertainty that I live with from day to day. I guess I thought I knew a certain reality only to find lately that things aren't as they seemed. I guess things never are, especially when it comes to my life. I want to break free from it. Break out of whatever this trap is and find a better way to go about things. I know I can obtain it, I know it's just right there, and that there must be a way for me to reach out and grab it... hold on to whatever I have left and expand on that endlessly because it's all I can do. And I know I talk in nonsense and insane little rants... believe me I'm aware of it, but at some point I stopped caring so much about what other people thought. At least I did in terms of this website. As for real life, I've learned to care a lot less there too... and I don't mean that in such a bad way, it's more of a freedom and when you deal with the things I have to on a daily basis, you take all the freedom in life that you can get. Where is the world tonight? What is it thinking about? The ones who are crying themselves to sleep tonight or the ones who cannot even do that for fear of being found out... to discover one truth self amongst a mob.

I've managed to get no work done today. Really. None. I spent the first half of the day sick, followed by trying to sleep a little and wipe away some of the problems... but I don't think I succeeded so much in that. Then tonight, what have I done? I think I've been starring at this screen. Eh, I just realized saying I got no work done is a lie actually. I got work done for my internship. Wow, an actual accomplishment. I guess I just figured after such a crappy day I was entitled to just take it easy... except try explaining that back to me later in the week when I'm freaking out from all the work I have to do. And really I guess it's not a terrible amount, but there are things to be done, and the sooner I get them over with the sooner the week can end and believe me you have no idea how much I want this week to end already and it's barely even started. The only break I got today was when I woke up from my nap still pretty out of it and still not feeling great at all to go wash glass at the hot shop. I ended up only needing to stay for about 15 minutes (not including the prep and put away time) because Jess was there (who's sort of in charge) and told me I didn't have to do that much, partly thanks to myself because I stayed so long yesterday getting extra out of the way so that I could have a break today. And tomorrow is my last day for this 3-day slot of washing and it won't be bad because I get to do it during class. I do it again in two weeks and then I'm done doing it forever... well or at least until another semester... but the more I look at what I have left, the less I think I'll be able to take glass again (at this school anyway). I was checking out the Hot Soup website, a local glass shop here in Philly which is pretty popular. I was reading a bit on the classes they offer. I'd be up for taking one perhaps, if I wanted to have a commitment in the summer, which I'm not sure of yet. Any class other than the short beginner one (which I'm past already just by being in class right now at my school) is around $400+ but they are 8 week long courses. Just something to think about. I was hoping they offered rentable blow slots but it doesn't seem like they do. I guess they'd just tell you to take the course so that they can make sure you know what you are doing. It might be worth it in the future, but it would just be nicer if I could plan my own slot times and do it when I wanted... but then again sometimes it's good to be forced on a schedule... so maybe that still lies in my future. If not this summer then perhaps next, I am certainly interested in glassblowing but it definitely doesn't fit into my schedule next semester and it's doubtful it will my final semester either. I do have to get advised still. Since I couldn't even make it to my class today I wasn't over at the terra building, so I couldn't sign up for my advising slot and I won't be over there tomorrow either unless I make a special trip (which I might have to do) otherwise I'm there on Wednesday.... but I think my advisor said something to me in passing about having a lot of open slots on Wednesday... which is good except they may not be so open come Wednesday when I waltz in expecting to just sign up right before the actual slot. We'll see, I don't really need advising, I just need a signature, so maybe it doesn't matter so much.

Ok two of my roommates are singing upstairs... what in the world are they doing? Never a dull moment in this house, you have to be aware at all times. It doesn't matter that it's 1:30 in the morning, we're all up, we always are, and I'm always the last to bed in case you care to know. Time to put on some Guster. If they heard my playing it they'd probably sing along to that too, they love this band. Have I mentioned that I'm back on an mp3 kick again? That means lots of downloading from Kazaa. My friend got me into the idea of downloading tv episodes and movies again also. I can already see my external drive filling up more and more. Speaking of space, I went from having like 200-300MB free to 3.45 GIGS the other day. I downloaded this awesome little app that cleaned out my system better than any I've tried in a LONG time. It's called Boost XP and you should definitely check it out whether you are hurting for space or not because it does oh so much more. It's only a 30 day trial, so it looks like I should be searching Kazaa for this one soon too. I think I'm going to put up a music section on my site soon. Just a place sort of like the daily look section, but instead of spiffy little bits of the web, I'll be pointing out new/found music that I think is cool and furthermore something you should also be downloading for yourself. I'll also be taking suggestions, 'cause I'm always up for hearing about new, good music (or old, good music for that matter) you get the idea. So, yeah, that idea just came to me now, but look for it to appear soon perhaps.

For some reason my mood picked up a bit while I was writing this. I think the music is helping, it's almost always good for that, but it can be good for finding your mood too. You do it unconsciously a lot I think, but don't you ever notice you'll be in a certain mood or mindset and the music you listen to (selected of course of your mp3 playlist say) is just so fitting for you at that particular moment. You can also tell a lot about a person sometimes if you pay close attention to the songs they are listening to more frequently or by which ones are their favorites 'of the moment.' Just listen to the lyrics or even just the general vibe of the song, you'll understand what I'm talking about.

So it's not quite bed time yet, I have a feeling my roommates will be up for awhile, and I can almost never fall asleep before them. And given that I had a nap today I probably won't be tired for awhile anyway. That's always the drawback of throwing off your sleep schedule like I do all of the time. Slowly, one by one, the people on my buddy list begin to go idle. Little yellow away messages start to pop up everywhere and I enter that period of the night where only the select few remain up along with me. I feel like I could read a good book tonight or something. Perhaps I'll do some more writing later, it's been too long or at least too few and far between my regular written entries in my personal journal. I'm glad I keep both, that came first afterall, long before I was making websites. In those hand written pages I've grown over time through chapters of paper and leather bound volumes that are kept safe by metal lock and clasps. Those writings are probably my most personal possessions, most prized even, and while I'm pretty open online in these posts, nothing beats someone's very own account of their life and thoughts entirely. I just don't get a chance to write usually because by the time I do make it to my bed I'm too tired, but I'll never give it up completely I don't think. Plus my frequent writing here (which really goes in spurts I know) at least helps me to fulfill part of my need to record my life and thoughts down someplace. There are just some things though, that can only be said when you are writing to yourself, and anyway it's just different when you are writing in a blog, to an audience of some kind, whether it be one other good friend, or thousands of total strangers. Lately, I've discovered that more of my friends than I thought keep blogs too, many of them on livejournal, but it's rather interesing to go to one friend's site only to find links to all these other people you know, both friends and aquantences... ahh the joy of doing no work. I know I'll be wishing I did more in the morning... this night has certainly ended better than the last though, or is it that I'm starting my day off right for once?