Wednesday, March 26, 2003  2:02 am  <|>
<180> It's all in your perception: I was just about to go to bed tonight, but I felt the urge to write something here before I did. I know, wow, I've actually been writing again lately... with regular updates and everything. I guess I just have a lot on my mind with school winding down and everything else that's going on. I have a couple decisions to make that very few people know about and it would be nice to talk to everyone involved about them but I can't, not just yet anyway. I will, in due time, and it'll all get worked out. But advice flies from all sides, so the fewer that know about the issues the better sometimes. They'll all know when they need to. Nothing is decided yet and I don't think it can be for awhile yet. There is exactly three of you that know all three of the issues, and I don't mean to be so secretive, they aren't all that super secret, I just don't feel like going into details right now, for the rest of the world... at least not tonight. I'm pretty tired for once and it's only 2am. I could use the sleep, believe me. I will say this though, today was a LOT better than yesterday (though I don't think many days could have been worse than yesterday, ugh). I had glassblowing all day. We didn't do too much, as usual, but a former student came to visit near the end of class and gave us a couple demonstrations, which was cool, because he currently works for a place that produces glass pieces (of some kind I didn't quite catch exactly what) but he was really good. I know I'll never be THAT good at making glass blown pieces, but it's always fun to watch it be done by someone who REALLY knows what they're doing.

Oh man, I just looked over at my second screen, at the bright yellow virtual post it note... so many things left to be done this week before it's over. Though tomorrow nothing is really due. I did what I had to for that class already, but Thursday, sigh... well maybe it won't be THAT bad. I don't really feel like I should be too worried about my project alpha for studio. Basically what it means is that I need to show my prof what I've been working on so far and what point I'm up to (compared with the schedule I wrote up for myself before I started - I really should take a look at that and see if I'm even where I was planning to be) but even if I'm not it's not a huge deal, as long as it gets done. And really, I show my prof where I'm at every week and anyone who's gone with an alpha so far has only presented to him, and not the class so much, but I won't mind if I show the class... I just don't have a ton to show them. There is functionality to it, but it's not exactly where I want it to be. But I guess that's ok, we're not supposed to be done, I have the rest of the semester to finish this, we're just supposed to be coming along. I guess the other bit of work I am more worried about is anything and everything that is due for my book binding class. I missed two classes in a row a couple weeks back and now I feel like I am so behind, when really a lot of people regularly don't come to class and some must be even more behind than me... but I still feel behind. I finished (almost) the one of two books I have due this Thursday. The other I need to wait for Danne or Namrata to help me as they also still need to make theirs and they were actually there when it was explained and when we had class time to work on it. It doesn't seem like it should be so incredibly hard either, but I need to learn it before I can decide which of the two types I'm doing my final book project on, and I need to do a sheet on my ideas for that by Thursday too so me not getting this other book done is really holding me back from much more. Sigh. I know it'll all get done... I hope... why does this week feel like it's going so slowly??

My perception of reality seems like it's been blurred lately. I don't know if that is the right word for it or not, but I can't think of a better one right now. Half the time I think everything is fine and the other half... well... I guess it's just what I keep saying, there is a lot on my mind, too much I guess, and it just keeps getting built up more and more with every passing day. It's not one particular thing like some might think, it's so many things, so many situations, many of them thrown at me to dodge or grab and solve both for me and for others. I know this is my role in life, I've long ago come to accept it, but could we please tone it down just a little? I'm just one person and can only take so much at once. I am not supposed to be stressing at all, it's bad for me and I know better. Yeah, it's bad for everyone, but especially for me and my "condition" - ick I hate saying it that way... it makes me sound weak and believe you me I am not. At least I don't want to be considered as such. My stupid body may attack itself but I'm a little smarter than that overall. I just need to vent sometimes. But I keep in mind that all of this will pass, especially when I don't build it up so much, and quicker if I can just let go of everything and let things take their course. I remind myself that days seem so long only to some people, not to all, and I should just chill out and enjoy the days I get, cause you never know how many of them you are going to end up with in the end. That's not meant as morbid, it's just true. I say it happily, and oh yes did I dare use the word? Sleep could actually make me happy right now amongst few other things, so I think I'll choose the former, because I can, and stop rambling for this night. Besides, tomorrow is another day and who knows how I'll perceive it next?