Sunday, April 6, 2003  3:13 am  <|>
<181> Not quite copasetic: Too many questions go unanswered in life I think. Some last the course of your whole life and some last less than the course of a day before they are forgotten... but these questions still remain. And I know sometimes there is no answer. I know sometimes you just have to accept the question (and sure sometimes the answer will appear on its own) but what do you do in the meantime? You wait, right? I'm getting rather sick of waiting, but I'll still do it, because I have no other choice and the answers to certain questions are just too important (and some can't be avoided). Why do people have such a hard time coping through life sometimes? It's not fair. We should all be as fortunate as the "fortunate" - and not have to deal with problems and questions and crap... but that's not how things are and I guess we wouldn't really want things to be so easy for everyone because then what would be the point? I go back and forth about things so many times when given a difficult situation because often I don't know what is expected of me. I don't know how I'm supposed to act or react. I'm filled with plenty of questions and so few answers that leave me so little to go on and I just don't get why. These situations arise time and time again and I have to wonder what I'm doing wrong. Do I just have bad judgement or is it just that I'm drawn to it? I want to go to sleep and wake up to have it all just be a bad dream. I want the days that were going so well back and I want to know why when those days do come they never stay. They always disappear into a clouded memory that leave only shadows of sense. I just want a break. I want new discoveries to be uncovered that bring good instead of bad for once.... for once I just want something to turn out well. Even the things I believe will work out in the end. Even the people I think could never hurt me do. When will I learn not to trust so easily? When will I stop believing that I have a chance at happiness. It's selfish of me isn't it? To want so much when others are going through such harder times. Maybe it isn't that I have it so bad. Maybe it's that I know the others that do don't choose to share it with me and that hurts more sometimes I think then having the problems yourself. How can anybody deny you that ability to try to help... to be there when times aren't so perfect? How can someone you care about not want you to or maybe not care enough in return to even let them know of the situation? Why do I over react to everything? Why is it already 4 in the morning... stupid daylight savings time! I want my hour back!!!

Ah, forget it all. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I go from day to day pretty much accepting the questions that are so far up in the air, but I never stop caring. Maybe that is foolish on my part, but I refuse to give up on things when I don't know the whole story. People can continue to advise me differently... and it's not that they all do, but when you have so many different solutions to a problem that you don't even know for sure exists what does that mean? Do I deny myself a chance to be happy in order to wait for something else in life that could further crush me. Maybe it means more (and hurts more) when it comes from a direction you never thought would do it. One that was stronger because it knew exactly what you had gone through and had been in such similar places before too. Maybe that is why I just cannot understand it. Maybe that is why I refuse to give up. Maybe. Maybe someday I'll figure things out or maybe I'll find some of my answers... and maybe that is the biggest maybe of them all... We'll see. I just wish things were different right now. And I wish I had some more control over things... and a clue to their outcome. But I don't, at least not right now, and I have to accept that. Why have I let yet another thing define a part of my life so much? I really don't think I will ever learn to guide my life differently, so I guess that is precisely why I have just come to accept things the way they are... and wait for things to be better.