Thursday, May 15, 2003  2:18 am  <|>
<182> Another tomorrow: And with the end of school and a day that marks so much more than that in my life I am back to writing here. Some of you may have realized that I never really went away, but I did become strayed for a bit. I won't abandon it either, but I think it's time I brought my thoughts and feelings back home... This is it. Tomorrow (which is technically already here) ends my junior semester. Tonight marks a moment in time for me... one that I made a promise to myself that when it came, I would put forth the effort to forget what I once had, to stop holding on to what I simply can not hold any longer, and to try to move on, just like I have so many times before, because I don't know any other way I can really go about things. I'm typing with my eyes closed again... they're tired, just like me... of a lot of things, but tonight as it all comes to an end I'm still preparing for my last day... a very important one. I have my Junior Review tomorrow. A day where our profs come together to listen to you present your best work and then tell you what they think about you, your work, and your future... no big deal, right?? I guess I'm not especially worried about it, though I don't expect what they say to be amazing. I think I do good work sometimes, but not always... and I think there are weaknesses, definitely places I could improve, but oh well, why crit myself when I'll have 5 profs to do it for me tomorrow. That happens at 1:30pm. I also have my book binding crit at 7pm, and then when that's over I'M DONE!!! I cannot wait. It'll be summer and I might actually have a few moments to myself which I haven't had in forever it seems. Time to just do nothing if I feel like it. I really need this right now.

I went to see The Matrix Reloaded tonight. I thought it was great, but I've heard from some other people already that they were disappointed. I never really liked the first one that much, so maybe that has something to do with my feelings about this one. Who knows? The next one looks like more of the same from the preview, but maybe not as good? It seems hard to tell. Like I said, I never really got that into it and I doubt that I will start now... but I will go see the next one in November and I will see this one again if my mom really wants to go (because the first is like one of her absolute favorite movies for some reason). I still need to see Xmen 2 and a bunch of others I'm sure. But hey, pretty soon I might actually have that luxury!!

HE has been on my mind again. So what else is new? I wish I wasn't such a hopeless romantic sometimes. I wish sometimes that I didn't care quite so much. But I do and I know it's not something I can change and really wouldn't want to even if I could change it. I guess everything does happen for a reason... things play their course, people come and go out of your life... but you have to wonder what the purpose is for all of it. I mean, even not getting on some crazy philosophical level at all... just on a basic level, why? There are just some things, some actions of people, that I will never understand. I know that this usually means there is a lot more to the story than you understand, when you don't get someone else's actions and all... but at the same time when you actually take the time to care, when you want to matter to someone, especially when you thought you did on some level... any level... then to come to find you don't or at least it doesn't seem like it is rather crushing. I thought I had something to believe in. I was beginning to think my cynical feelings towards relationships that were beginning to form were going to get pushed away by a promise... but once again, I was wrong and my cynicism strengthened as a result. What a shame... I'll get passed it, or threw it, or whatever it is that I have to do now at this point. Let go to regain, isn't that my saying? Sometimes I think you don't notice what is right in front of your face when you are blinded by other factors... yet I would hope that I would never be so blind as some people seem to be. Oh and I used to believe in meant to be. I used to want to find it so badly. I know that I've thought I had before. But I'm starting to not believe in it anymore. Not really. Slowly this hopeless romantic is being smothered and phased out. Someone will still be here... you will still be able to find traces of her amongst the rubble... but don't go wasting your time, looking too deep, any longer. Not unless you really want to invest your time and energy, because she won't be there fully, not for awhile, not until someone can prove her otherwise... she'll be waiting down there, until that someone can come around, maybe again, like they were always meant to...