Sunday, May 18, 2003  5:46 pm  <|>
<183> Just not happy: I feel like I should be sorry for this, but I am just not happy with my life anymore. I've been let down too much and what little I try to take back or find new for myself, it always just goes wrong anyway. I really don't have any desire to go hang out with my friends right now, which sounds terrible especially when I know some of them will read this. It's nothing personal, I am just not feeling up to it right now. I'm sure it'll change sometime. My roommates don't include me because I choose to remove myself from most of their activities. I like each one of them as a person and a friend, but I have no desire to spend time with them anymore either really. I barely spend any time outside of my room, away from this computer... that is when I am here at all... I don't eat downstairs. I don't make a mess. If I make a dish I try to put it directly in the dishwasher and if I ever found it full I'd run it. But they cook and make large messes. I'm sorry if I don't feel like I should spend time helping to clean that up when I had no part in it. They're all downstairs right now, I think they're cleaning up a bit and grilling. There are very few things downstairs that are mine. I have no desire to help them and I feel bad for that, because whether it's my mess or not, I still live here and I should still help them. But I just don't feel like I can be around them right now. I don't feel like I can be a part of it all at this moment. Adam leaves on Tuesday. Emily leaves on Thursday. I don't think if they'll end up coming back or not. As of now, except for visiting and such over the summer, they don't intend to. Jamie will be here all summer, but that's fine he and I cohabitate quite well usually, surprisingly enough. We've spent every summer together since we came to college in some degree. Of course last summer I spent a lot of time, especially nights, at home, but we were still the ones that stayed here for the break. I thought that was going to change this summer, but it ended up being the same once again. I'm not complaining. Maybe I should be. I don't know anymore. Technically summer break has been in effect since Friday. Friday I spent most of the day sleeping off and on in NJ after dialysis. I did also stop by the mall with my mom and go eat with her at IHOP before falling back asleep in the car on the way back. I woke up long enough to get out of the car and go up to my room when I got back home, but almost as soon as I did I went to bed and it was not even 10pm this time. What's happening to me? Of course my roommates were just beginning to start a small party around this time, which they had wanted me to join, but again I just wasn't up to it. So this is where I'm at.

My mom will be here in about an hour to pick me up to go back to NJ. I suppose I will end up staying there tonight too since I have to go with her back here in the morning anyway to go to dialysis. We're going to go get something to eat and then go see Xmen 2. This took much more convincing then it really should have, so that kind of sucks too and I really don't even care about seeing it tonight anymore. I just don't feel like doing anything or hanging out with anyone. I could just go to bed, but I've been doing way too much sleeping lately, no joke. From Friday to Saturday I got 12 hours of sleep. I haven't had that much sleep in who knows when. And then again last night I went to bed around 2am and still got a good 9 hours because I didn't wake up until 11pm. I guess all this has maybe set in with summer coming on. Maybe it'll all pass pretty quickly, but somehow I have some doubts. I don't feel needed at all right now, not by anyone, not the ones I really want to need me and not even the ones who always seem to. But what does it matter anyway? Nothing is really different, it's only in how you perceive it... so I bring it on myself.... and I'll put myself out of it - because no one else can, I don't know anyone else who would want to, and because it's how it's always been in the past.

I've started helping them with their cleaning. I've brought upstairs to my room the only belonging that was mine down there. I loaded up the dishwasher and turned it on. I'm leaving in a half an hour. I am pausing to pack a few things. I'm starving, I'm glad we're eating before the movie. If we go... all I wanted was a break, well here it is, and I'm wasting it already, or something. Welcome to summer break and the rest of your life...