Tuesday, May 20, 2003  12:46 pm  <|>
<184> Break down or break out: Listen to the music. Step outside yourself. Take a deep breath. Now just let life pass. And take it back... yeah I'm listening, I'm breathing, I'm looking at everything - and now here I am. When it all comes together, it's not so bad. There are some ups, maybe plenty of downs, but that's to be expected. We make our lives what they are, at least in some part. So when we complain about what they've become we must keep in mind the sources. There is plenty to redeem it, if you know where to look, if you know where to find it, otherwise you'll just wander lost and starving. Well I've been hungry long enough and now it's about time for a feast. Today I feel like that's happening. Things may not be coming together like they magically tried to a few months ago with failed outcome... but something is happening. Yes, the fact that its just become summer break has something to do with it. As does the fact that I'll soon be balancing my time with Philly and NJ, to see friends in both and such. It also has things to do with the fact that in less than a month I'll be turning 21, a birthday I don't mean to hype up really, but one I've been waiting for for a long time. It isn't about going out and drinking legally all the time. It's about just being able to get out. To go where I want, to a bar or any night time place that I was previously kept out of it due to a silly thing like my age. I'd complain more about silly laws but I won't bother because soon it won't matter anyway. I just can't wait to be able to go out with a friend or two whenever I want and most of all be able to go out and meet NEW people. I love my friends, you have no idea, I couldn't survive without them even if I need to distance myself from them once in a while. I am just ready to expand my horizons a bit, change things for the better, in all aspects of my life, and remain strong, I hope, because I know I am going to need to be to make it through what lies ahead...

WeatherBug is promising 82 degrees today. It's just about 1pm and it's at 77 right now. Ok, I can work with that. Maybe I'll actually get outside and experience the world a bit today (and make my allergies worse) instead of hiding in this dimmed room all day long. Maybe I'll take the laptop to rittenhouse like the good lil nerd that I am and see if I can find a floating wireless connection before I drop a BUNCH of money on wireless that might not even reach the areas I want to get online from. We'll see. I feel like I just want to be really productive today and if that was only productive online that would be fine, but there is also much to do around the house, at least in my room. I need to organize my stuff. I need to open this sticker/laminator/magnet maker machine and see what it can do. There are other things to be done as well. Plenty to keep me busy all summer really and then some, as usual. I don't want to let the lazy days of summer get me this time. It's different than last year. Last year was slow and fast all together because I was recovering... so I really got little done of what I wanted to, but then it was because I was still rather sick, still trying to just live my life... well that's what I'm trying to do now too of course, but in a different way.

What people read here, if they choose to read it - because they care a lot or because they're just interested or because they are just passing through - it's not about each individual entry... that must be understood in order to understand it all (or any of it). But I can't be pushed, this is also something that everyone around me needs to come to understand. I don't like it and it makes me feel pressured... and I hate feeling pressured. I also feel bad for where I fall short with other people and where I know what they want but just don't feel the same way, but I can't seem to get that through despite that I think I try. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I feel like I go around in circles, like a broken record that doesn't actually get listened to as it plays. I try to move on into the future, but it seems my past runs close behind in case I fall - which is good and bad all at the same time. But I can't move into my future with the past haunting me so much, I'll just never get there the way I need to. So I'm trying. I'm trying. I've been trying and I don't know what else I'm really supposed to do, so I'll just keep on doing what I was. Or the changes that I do try to make, I hope will be supported, because I think I know what I'm doing (sometimes)... so just trust me and don't believe that you know better, because I may not, but it's my life and my survival in this world we place ourselves in... I do want to be a part of it and I do intend to survive... so just give me some time, I'll work it out, afterall, that's my lot in life, remember? In the end, it's always been up to me.