Tuesday, May 27, 2003  12:32 am  <|>
<185> Find yourself: Sometimes you reach a point in your life where everything seems to change so rapidly from day to day that you don't know which way is up or where you are going at all. You are bound to experience this kind of thing at least one time in your life, if not much more than that, but it is far from a bad thing. I think I am at one of those points right now... where so much is changing and happening that I don't know what to do first, last, or next. But it is also exciting... to figure out what you what to do with the rest of your life, to have hope that what lies around the corner isn't so bad, and to still have questions but realize that the important answers will come in time. Exciting as though it may be, that doesn't make it any less confusing or scary. I'm in a constant state that holds a mix of things around me. I try to pick from this mix, but to no avail usually, it all remains jumbled for now as I try desperately to structure it all somehow. Hey, I'm doing my best. It's just that I find lately that everything that I want, even things that seem well beyond my control, may very well be, but it all comes back to me no matter what. The ability for me to make my life something I want to live, to be happy - all this comes with prices and sacrifices to be sure... but it also comes by me letting it and seeking it out. I can sit back and close my eyes and envision what I want. I'm guessing a lot of people can or at least try to, but this also changes all the time (both for me and others) too I'm sure. That's fine though, it just means we're constantly reevaluating what we want out of life and what we want for ourselves. And I, for one, have been doing that a lot lately... so much that I'm actually starting to come to some conclusions...

Perhaps it has something to do with my senior year of college fast approaching. I can still remember my freshman year, being in a new setting, with new people, and the idea that I may or may not be headed in the right direction, but a direction none the less. Now three years of college have passed and just like they say, you wonder where all the time has gone, but at the same time it seems like a world ago when I was still that innocent, naive little frosh girl who knew little of experience of anything and had so many hopes and dreams. I tend to think I was such a foolish romantic back then... but I know that the romantic part never changes, you just become "experienced" and hardened to the way the world and real relationships work out. I don't know which is the better state. I don't think I ever will. But it doesn't really matter, because once you come across that bridge, there really is no going back anyhow.

Maybe all these feelings and such come from my hope for this summer, and its certain uncertain outcome. I'm trying to get my kidney transplant by the end of the summer. This is a fair possibility, but it relies on a few dependencies that I have absolutely no control of, and that is scary enough in itself, let alone consider the possibility that I won't be able to find a live donor match at all with O type blood and I'll have to go on the cadavor waiting list - which don't get me wrong is a great thing to have available, but those kidneys don't tend to last as long and you have to wait of course... in my case most likely 2-3 years on the list before you get one from a call at any time - day or night - when one becomes available and adjust whatever is going on in your life at that point accordingly. On call 24/7, always waiting and never knowing fully what's going to happen next. That is true of a lot of things in life, but when it comes to something like this I would so much so prefer to be able to play a little role in it, plan it out a bit, and ensure keeping it with me for as long as humanly (and scientifically) possible. With that, I am getting ahead of myself. I haven't even had my transplant meeting yet, where they'll go over the procedure, what's involved, the risks and benefits, etc... that day comes on June 12th, so not too far off (and the day before my 21st birthday too). That is also the day that I will get tested and my mom will get tested to be a potiential donor for me. After that, others will be allowed to be tested and we'll go from there... like I said, it's not an easy thing to approach, but you have to do it, and you have to do it with hope in your head or else you'll never get anywhere.

A lot lies ahead for me, and most recently I've been caught up in what I want to do with the rest of my life - at least in the semi short term. I guess looking at a lot of my good friends who just graduated last week makes me realize I'm only one year away from all of that. I watch how they react and I see some so sure and some in a state of pure panic. Depression can easily set in when you start to question the meaning of your life anytime, and I suppose graduating without really knowing where you want to head next is an easy enough trigger. I don't want to graduate feeling lost. I don't want to feel lost ever... and I guess that's why I naturally have always had a constant and evolving plan in the back of my head as to what I want to do and where I want to go. I don't plan it all out, not by a long shot, but lately I have moved the thoughts from the back of my head to the front, for I don't feel like it's too soon to do that now at all. The other night I was online late after Juan's party and Danne was online (and not so late for him since he's home in Cali where I should be right now visiting him!). He was looking up grad schools and that got me to thinking about and joining the search for them too. I found a couple of interest I suppose, especialy this one... it's not that easy searching for masters multimedia programs because they aren't usually called that. Multimedia interchanges titles with digital media, new media, computer graphics & art, etc... Over a year ago I gave up the idea of going to grad school - not wanting to have even MORE loans over my head in the future and not exactly seeing the worth in either the further degree or the experience... but now I'm inclined to change my mind once again as the matter becomes a bit more pressing. I just don't feel like I'm going to be ready to be done being a student a year from now. I know I have indeed learned from this school and my experience here, but at the same time I feel like I am just now getting started. I also am torn because I know I could do further projects and study on my own without paying a huge tutition, but there is something to be said about the feedback and crits you get only through university program. There is also other motive for me now after my search. About a year ago one of my professors left our program because he got offered a job running a brand new program that offers a PhD in Texts & Technology down in Central Florida. We joked with him that he was going to end up living in a "gated community" and missing us... and he told us we should all come and take it, half joking, half serious, but after that I got sick and didn't give much thought about the program until last week. It looks really awesome actually and right up my alley. I know sort of what I want to end up doing, at least I have a guidline in my head of what I could do and what I wouldn't mind doing... and who knows what will end up really happening, but looking at this and wanting to take it makes me want to get my masters (because you need that of course before they let you get a PhD). Plus, I figure it couldn't hurt to have a few more years to do the work and research I really want to do, to become who I really want to be, all the while experiencing new places, people, collaborations, and experiences. The masters program I'm looking at is in California, not too far from L.A. and then, as I said, the PhD program, if I ended up getting into that a few years from now, would be in Flordia, where I also wouldn't mind living for a short time in my life, and that's right by Orlando. Both locations are places I would love to visit and don't think I'd mind living in for a few years, especially for school reasons, and it feels like that may be a great way for me to get the balance of going to new places and such while still tied to school and meeting new people that way too. And I figure I don't know what my job situation will be exactly then, there are a few possibilities as of now and who knows by the time I graduate... but I'm hoping maybe that I'll still be working virtually for the most part, and if that's true moving around for school would really be no problem as I could keep my job wherever I went. All that is speculation right now... I really don't know. I could also get some amazing job offer that would keep me from going to grad school and remaining around Philly, so who knows. I had said before I could see myself taking a year off after I graduate to figure out where I want to go, be it grad school or to just remain working (depending on what I'm doing of course) or whatever. So much future up in the air, so exciting, so scary, and so fast approaching. It's a bit overwhelming, but I guess for some reason right now I don't mind the prospects so much.

All of this brings me to a point, amazingly enough - I've really been finding myself lately and I see nothing but good coming from this affirmation. I'll be turning 21 in a few weeks, well established as an adult, and someone who is finally working on making life work for her rather than everybody else all the time. I see outlines of my possible futures, potiential paths that I might follow, but I am no longer so focused on who I am with in the future. I figure it will all come along as it comes and maybe, just maybe, if I don't put too much pressure on any one aspect of my life I won't have to be so disappointed if it doesn't happen to work out. It's all a series of circumstances, guided by choices sure, but in the end it's all up to fate anyway. So while there is still a lot of extreme uncertainty ahead in my life, I'm smiling and facing it, because really I may not have any other direction to go, but I also wouldn't want to start taking any shortcuts now.