Thursday, July 24, 2003  2:24 am  <|>
<186> All we need is: Tonight I realize I haven't written in such a long time, but what I can say about this absence is that it has been prompted by mostly wonderful things... You'd think summer would allow me more time, not produce less or at least it seems that way. It's true, summer has allowed me more time to myself, or rather to do the things I want with the people I want to spend the most time with (for the most part) - but this has also caused me to seem busier than ever, especially when it comes to online things. I can go days without being online, though I still pop on for my job if nothing else. But I haven't been using AIM as much. I haven't been keeping up with personal email like I probably should. But in place of all this, of the "online life" that I have adapted to, I have instead started living for real... not that I ever didn't live for real, but I think you (especially those of you who also tend to spend a lot of time online like me) will understand what I'm saying.

Things have been great lately. It's funny how these things work out... but just as that great change really happened for me in my life when I turned 18 three years ago, when I turned 21 this passed month, my life changed again and still for the better. I guess it all mostly just happened to go that way, but you have to stop and think, if only for a second, that there just could be more to it all than just random. I refuse to give myself completely up to fate anymore, but I still believe in it. I still believe in everything happens for a reason. What lies ahead of me, I don't know, but I do know that my life thus far has proved a few things to me. That you can't ever be sure of what is coming. That you have to live life for today. And that things (good and bad) will happen when you least expect them often. I've learned to balance by not leaning too far happy or sad... because I've known both well and know that the sad seems so much longer and further down than the happy no matter what you do. So I guess I live to stay in between.... content you could say? But dare I ever come too close to happy or sad for fear of turning the tables? I know I do it. I can't help it. I guess no one can. But still, as much as happy exists within content, I guess so too does sad in a way... but maybe that balance isn't so bad when you play it right. We need the sad to keep the happy from being out of control and vice versa. And that, my friends, is balance.

Sometimes it's all so overwhelming. But a lot of it lately has been a good kind of overwhelming. In short, I'm seeing someone amazing, I may transplant back to a "normal" life sometime soon, and the years of "traditional" education near their end with just another year (perhaps)... There are some things imperfect... feelings of outgrown surroundings in some aspects, the need for social and alone moments mixed together, unspoken words amongst "friends," and thoughts of the future unresolved - current events forever reminding of these things. But I'm ok. We're all going to be ok. And right now, all I need is to know that, to embrace it, and to keep moving on and on knowing that I am loved for real this time, and that's more than I ever would have hoped for...