Tuesday, September 30, 2003  3:37 am  <|>
<187> Return to revive: Maybe I'm meant to manage... maybe just not to manage myself. So it's been, well, quite awhile since I wrote here last. Let me see, what can I blame - only good things still. Yes, I suppose even for someone who loves to write down her most personal thoughts as much as I do, harder times tend to produce the most - thus I have not touched this journal in almost two months because the last three and a half months of my life have been pretty grand. I have my boyfriend Dan to thank for that. He keeps me going and reminds me that people can make it in this world as long as they have the right support... that was something I was beginning to forget I think. I dare stay I strive for balance lately - and with that comes it's ups and downs, but that is all part of living life, is it not? All in all though, I can't complain too much.

School started at the beginning of this month. About four weeks into it now and it's going along alright I suppose. I'm a big senior now. It's hard to believe sometimes, but I'm getting used to it. My semester long project for my studio class is underway. I'm doing a sort of artist trading stickers project called StickyArt... the website will be up soon and I suppose I will talk more about it soon. If you are an artist though, especially a sticker artist or illustrator of any kind, I'd love to hear from you if you'd be interested in learning more about it and/or participating. [Side note: I believe that was the first html straight code I've typed out in a great many months... now THAT is a scary thought!!] I'm also still working for Campus Philly, now no longer an intern, but as a non-paid features editor... which basically means I still do the same thing I did before, for free, but don't get class credit this time, and have technically a bit more responsibly. Sounds fun, huh? Actually, I'm glad to still be a part of it and hopefully it'll yield some good things in the future. We'll see... I also am looking at interning this semester with Hinge Online, which is both an "online artists journal" for the Philadelphia area as well as a group that runs two events throughout the year. One is their Poetry Threats, which is already up my alley... and the other is Artist Trading Cards - an international movement where artists come together and make/trade cards they create as a way of connecting to others, etc. It's a great place for me to be looking at right now because it fits extremely well with my sticker project. I have my first meeting with them tomorrow evening, so hopefully all will go well with that!

On the health front - nothing new has happened and a lot has been going on at the same time. I'm still on dialysis 3 times a week, but the good news is a transplant is hopefully in sight. My mom is a great match for me and has gone through mostly all the testing she needs to. To complement this, I have completed all the testing I need - however, this is where a problem occurred. Since I've been taking a certain medication for my Lupus since I was 14, it's done two things to my system that are a problem right now. One, it has hurt my bone structure, weakening my bones, but the good part of this is it can be recovered with another medication, the bad part is taking it will not be very effective until I am off dialysis. Two, and the more troublesome issue, is that it has caused tiny little cavities and some very weak teeth in my mouth. And, because of the risk of inflection and losing the new kidney after transplantation (because I will be on even more anti-rejection/immunosuppressive drugs) I must have all dental work done prior to a transplant. Which in simple terms means I can't set up a transplant date (which I am otherwise ready for) until the dental stuff is completed. And because this is major work and I have no dental insurance, I have to go through this free program... which is great, but it's a 3 month wait. So yeah, as soon as I don't need to wait for a kidney anymore (just about) I have to wait to fix something else first. It really doesn't seem fair. And I'm torn because obviously I want to get off of dialysis, some days more than I could ever get across I'm sure, but at the same time I'm thankful that I can still live the rest of my life around it like I do. I can hardly imagine what it will be like to have those extra 15 or so hours back in my life every week, even if I sleep through them often! I can hardly imagine what it would be like to take a normal shower, to not be tired all of the time, and to be able to travel wherever and whenever I want to go. It's the little things that most people take for granted and you can't really blame them I guess. But "without the sour you can't taste the sweet" or something like that as it comes from the best friend in Vanilla Sky (which I just watched again last night). I just want a normal life again. And I guess I know it will come, it's just a matter of time... then again, all of life is just a matter of time too.