Saturday, October 16, 2004  12:58 am  <|>
<191> Past not forgotten: I am thinking a lot about the past tonight, mine and everyone's... connecting, depending, no one could exist the same without the others intertwined at least some point in their lives. Everyone's shaped by each other. Who knows where I would have ended up otherwise, for better or worse, I've said so recently I wouldn't change anything for fear I might not end up where I am now... that's easy for a person to say when they truly feel they are on the path they are supposed to be on. But, I do not forget... and it doesn't mean I don't wonder what things would have been like if things had gone differently in the past. I've watched people change around me while I know that I myself was changing all the while too. Seeing people again, or even just talking to them, after a time reminds you what the world was like, what those people were like -- if only for a second...

I miss some things, like hanging out with good friends all the time, looking forward to parties, that connection, those thoughts that nothing could really ever be wrong as long as you had your friends by your side. That time never really goes away completely, but it can fade when familiar faces disappear as time does too. Those really are those days you'll never forget... you know people have passed such "wisdom" down to their children for ages in one form or another... but it only can really take meaning once you get there, once you hit that point. I'll probably say it to my nieces and maybe children one day, but they won't understand until they're older. Kids grow tired of hearing that one too... and who wants to wake up out of that dream if you can put it off a little longer?

I remember so much, but at the same time it seems so long ago that it's often easy to forget from day to day. But those days... the world was different... I can't explain even with all my talk and writing. I'll never completely forget though and it's the little things, the random interactions that bring those memories back the strongest. I'm listening to music right now actually for example and sure I still listen to musicl, but lately it's not like I used to. I used to never go a day without listening to a lot of it and somewhere along the line I just stopped for awhile. Be it my speakers never quite found their way to being hooked up when we moved, maybe overall because I stopped sitting still for enough moments to sit at my computer and need the company, when I have someone to talk to or tv when the apartment is too quiet.... but there is a sadness and comfortable that comes all at once from music... especially those songs you used to listen to, at these times when life was so different and the people around you hadn't changed as much yet either. All those moments rolled together bring me to where I am today and well what a ride it's been really.... but I'm still here and maybe all the wiser for it. Read some of my earilest entries and you'll see what I mean. I'm simply NOT the same picture that lays to the left of what you are reading right now. My life then was prior to so much that has happened up to now. And what happens when that photo fades away too... replaced with something not quite so black and blue? But it's ironic too, because as bruised as I might have felt then I've been through so much more since and yet I've come out more, well, colorful than before...

I guess time does heal wounds when you find the right people to help you along. I finish this tonight over an hour later from my original thoughts. Distractions in writing just like in life... but that's how it goes. More later and see I really did update quickly this time!