Friday, November 5, 2004  1:56 am  <|>
<194> Moving on: So the election is over, and "half" the country is depressed... including MOST people in Philadelphia.... me being one of them. I believe everyone has a right to their own opinion, but I just cannot understand how so many people can be so blind. I guess it's hard to question what is in front of you... to really take a look and be willing to shake things up. But how can people really not see? We've done this in the past. We've separate, thinking we were treating people equally... thinking we were helping them in some way... but 2004 is almost over and what was started when our parents were young is still a battle far from over. We still struggle today with that, and now with a chance to take a look at our world and say, hey, we actually learned something from our past for once, we're going to move forward and try harder... what does half the nation do? They throw this chance away. Yeah, I'm bitter. A lot of people are. But I'm not bitter just because I didn't get my own way. I'm not even that political. I'm upset because I have two eyes and see the world clear enough. And sure, I may be young and have what "they" no longer do, some kind of insight, something that allows me to see that it isn't fair to tell someone what they feel and believe is wrong when you live in a country that preaches and supposedly survives upon the opposite. What we show to the world is not acceptance. We never really have though we try. We show that there are many greater places than America depending on who you are... and I'm not talking about moving to Canada or something like that (though it is funny when the CityPaper gives you a whole howto on it). I have good friends all around the world, of all kinds of walks of life, who believe in different things, love different people, know different ways. Some of them have it better than me... some have it worse... most it is a combination. We allow killers to go free eventually after being convicted... sometimes we even let them go if someone somewhere altered their RIGHTS along the way.... but if two men love each other and want the world to know, to recognize their commitment to each other, that is WRONG. Please someone explain to me how this makes sense? Two people can stay together, a man and a women, stay married, for their kids, for the money, for their situations for the BETTER, but if two people do love each other, they have trouble keeping kids, they cannot legally share their money, they cannot make decisions for each other... and this all comes WORSE. I just don't understand.

Now the President is on TV today, while I'm waiting for a blood test. It's a press conference and he's talking about the war and everything else he's going to do... he's going to bring the nation together, he's going to heal everything... now before I go on let me make one thing clear... I live in Philadelphia and yes we are a very Democratic city.. in fact, it was near impossible to find anyone supporting (at least openly) Bush on the streets or from their homes on election day (or anytime really). Now at work for me, this is a different story. You can walk down the street and know instantly that at least most people around you feel just as strongly about the political world as you do, actually they probably are a lot more active, because that's really popular here too. Now, getting back to what I was about to say. I was waiting for a blood test today, in preparation for my checkup tomorrow, and watching this press conference with my fellow Philadelphains, you could feel united without talking to any of them. It's in the way they watch, the faces they make to his responses.... even the woman drawing my blood was mumbling saying not to get her started when overhearing some of his words when she came out to get me. Now, proceeding to the cab, the press conference is on the radio too. The cab driver doesn't say anything.. we both know we're just listening. The radio announcer tries his best to report the news, without being biased. Walking from the cab, out in the rain, up into the walkway that lies underneath my building, I know I'm about to enter a different world than the I'm in right then. I'm about to enter an office that strongly supports Bush, it is in these city towers that you can openly find them. Sure, there are Kerry fans there too, just not in as many numbers, at least not on the top floor where I work. Now, to remind, I still believe everyone has a right to their opinion and beliefs, but even for someone who wants to stay out of politics like me, it's hard not to want to get them to explain to me once in awhile the logic behind some of what their beliefs are based on. I come to lunch and find I'm actually whispering a bit across the table as I sit with my closer friends their. We all are depressed today and we want to make fun of the situation to feel better, but we almost speak in a hush naturally, because we aren't sure if anyone will be offended or, even, want to pick a fight maybe. We don't completely care, so we still talk of things that could offend, but I guess it's good that we at least try not to talk too loud.l..

I just worry about our country, MY country, one I am supposed to be proud to be born into privilege in. What I see around me amazes me... the way that red and blue map appears on a screen is hard to take. It makes me want to move to Scotland, move to London, move to Australia.... not because I don't appreciate my rights, but because I see so many other rights not being given here. I want to see everyone accepted... I don't want our nation to base itself on money. Yes, I know the world relies on money and I hate it... most young people probably do... but why does this always get dismissed? Why does this seem so naive. so silly? It's many people who have it that are afraid to let it go. I often wonder if I might be the same way, had I not been raised to think for myself, but to follow in what I was told. Then, I try to imagine it would be hard to change my mind, or to leave it so open. I can't even keep talking about it. It's too soon to really digest. I'm just afraid for everyone around me, I don't want to watch a war pan out. I wanted to see my generation be the first not to see a war.. but perhaps it is our fate for freedom. I don't want to feel hated. I don't want to feel I SHOULD be hated. I want to feel free and be proud of it... and right now I don't.

So I'm exhausted myself and it's time for bed. The medication is wearing off a little finally by now, the end of the week. I was sick yesterday because I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst hunger pain ever. It really felt like my stomach was turning in on itself. I ended up eating saltine crackers dipped in plain hot tea... yeah it does sound gross but not when it's 5am and you don't know what else could stop the pain inside you... I moved on to oatmeal eventually and by 6:30am I was feeling better enough to go back to bed... knowing full well I was not going to make a full day of work. I ended up calling out sick completely. I still didn't feel great by this morning, but by afternoon I was finally feeling better. I'm back down to a OK dose of the prednisone, but it's still semi-high. The fact that I'm finally getting tired by 2:30am is progress I suppose... but we'll see what happens when I actually lay down. At least tomorrow is Friday. So now it's time to finish up watching Garfield and Friends on TV... goodnight till next time. I'll try to write soon. And, by the way, does anyone actually still read this regularly? If you do, let me know, it'd be nice to hear from you :)