Tuesday, February 22, 2005  12:54 am  <|>
<210> Moving Past The All: Here I am, emerging from something finally that has captured me for quite some time now. It's something like the light at the end of the tunnel I guess; that bright side under that dark cloud that's been hanging around for too long. Whatever it is, it's starting to lift and while it's not gone completely, this feeling gives me hope of better days ahead. Finally.

Tonight I'm getting this better outlook somehow. I'm being hopeful again on lots of fronts. I'm feeling safe in my little place now... I'm starting to feel... home. Maybe it's because we finally seem moved into our place. We finally put down this other carpet in our bedroom that we've had to put down since we moved in. We never did it for a few reasons, one being that we got the carpets AFTER we set up the bed and all the other furniture in our room. Another reason being that we really liked the hardwood floors in the bedroom, but our lease made us agree to carpet 70% of the apartment. While we don't really have a way to measure that fully - and we did carpet the whole living room which was a fair amount of the apartment from the beginning - we got this one down too and now though I'm not crazy about the carpet still, it does make it feel more like a bedroom I guess. I always had carpeting of some kind in my bedrooms growing up. It wasn't until I came to college that I traded that in for little throw rugs in the middle of the floor. So I think I'll get used to it quick enough.

After the truly crappy week last week with one bad thing after another happening I guess this week had to be better in comparison, but maybe karma will kick in and bring a few good things now? I'm not taking my chances, so I'm turning over further leaves of change. I'm regaining this outreaching feeling I was having before - I'm looking to old friendships and trying my best to keep them alive. I'm not willing to let go of the people I sworn not so long ago I wouldn't lose ever - no matter what. Now that a majority of my friends have graduated, this becomes the true test and a real challenge for those who I started to lose long before we walked across that stage and said 'good-bye.' I'm lucky. I have a lot of my friends still, even if they are busier or just a little more spread out. And how much longer can I count on this? I simply don't know and I don't want to take that for granted. I been realizing what I'm going to start losing very soon... and I know I'm not really ready for it though I don't have much of a choice. We will all keep in touch. I believe that where it really counts. But we're all being so tested right now - all the people closest to me face such big decisions and yes I know that's probably pretty natural for where we are all at in life, but some of us have more control over it than others.

So I go into this mode where I want to go back to making my own life altering decisions. I'm at this point, but somehow I've let my lack of control in certain areas flow to the rest. It's easy enough to "float" for awhile, and I see nothing wrong with taking my time to decide what I want down the line, since I'm not fully sure... but I also don't want to wake up one day with too much wasted time for I've already been kept from certain things I think would be different now otherwise. I'm looking at where I live, where I work, what I do, and where I am going. I have some ideas on all of these things and I know at least a little bit what I'd really want for each, but in every aspect I only have so many choices at once and I only have so much control. I have to be realistic, for some things just have to come with time and some things you have to stick out until you can figure out other measures.

I look at my friends: among them I know people planning their first ownership of homes, running whole sections of companies, taking on more school, moving to other countries, even getting married and having their first babies! All of them are about my age and they are going in so many different directions. This is everyone's fate. Why then, do I feel like I'm floating no where? I don't feel this to the point that I'm stuck forever, or even maybe that I'm stuck at all, but I'm definitely floating, and to where I just can't quite see yet. Maybe it's better that way?

Time tests all of us. Timing tests us more. For none of us really have control. And this leaves us wanting more.