Friday, June 3, 2005  1:58 pm  <|>
<218> When It Ends: As some things end, new life begins... But sometimes it's hard to see why certain changes are positive. And what's harder is to watch those changes take place when you are in the middle, but really have no part in the process at the same time. My two best friends, which happened to be dating each other for the last three years, just broke up this week. Now I'm sitting helpless in the middle of the aftermath, which while it isn't harsh or anything in nature, as they were able to part in good terms, as far as terms can go in a situation like this... it's still so very difficult to watch the pain and feelings involved with coping now. It's given me an opportunity to reconnect to one of them in a way I haven't in a long time... but that's something I would trade back if it would help the healing process that is needed. I feel like I have little right to let something that exists so personal between two people affect me so much, but I guess when it happens with people closest to you sometimes you cannot help it. The problem is I've been pulled in too close, knowing too much of the situation to let it feel like I have no part in it at all, and now it's hard to break out from, even while trying to take the opportunity. I'm seeing both sides while refusing to take one and that brings this feeling that I can't quite put into words. They are both right in their thinking... they are both feeling what they need to right now. But what's hard is what they are thinking is just not the same thing. Nothing can change that right now and that's just how things turn out sometimes. I guess all that makes it the right decision, but now what comes next no one can see and I hate that feeling too. On the selfish side, which isn't a priority but is still there, this shakes our entire friendship in that things can now never really go back to the way they were. Maybe that's for the better in the end, but I still have this uneasy feeling that something is dying that I never wanted to lose. I so much want the best for all my friends and to see any of them in pain puts me in pain too. Part of me knows what it's like to go through some of what is happening now and that may be part of the problem... bringing back memories I'd just as soon forget about completely if I was smart enough to do so. I've been spoiled because while nothing goes perfect in my life of course, in terms of relationships and friendships my life has been pretty good for awhile. Now I still have what is most important at the core, but to see people close to me lose their own core shakes me up too just from watching at any distance. I know it's for the better for them, I just wish I had the power to make them better. They're going in different directions and to make them see that or not isn't really my place. So now my new attempt is to climb out of the middle somehow, at least a little bit, because I'm terrified if I don't I might end up in a position I just don't want to be in, in danger of losing people that I just could not stand to lose.