Tuesday, June 7, 2005  12:20 pm  <|>
<220> Higher Ground: Wow, writing two days in a row, I'm on a role... or maybe I just have a lot to talk about lately... that tends to be the case when so many different things are going on. Right now things seem so up in the air, for me and those around me. It's a weird feeling of only semi-control that keeps you going, but makes you question a lot of things at the same time. It makes me on edge though and I don't really like that feeling at all.

Work has been hard to deal with and getting much worse lately. It's worse because it's not just me that's having problems but practically all the employees here who aren't execs or higher level in some way. It really sucks how they treat some of their employees, even though on the surface they seem like they do a lot for their workers. I was warned about it when I started here over a year ago (now officially being here over a year full time), but I didn't see it as much until the last half of it now. The turn over rate here is crazy, considering most of these positions needs a fair amount of training before you can do them right, let alone efficiently... and they often lose whoever was doing it before long before they can train the person coming in, which brings you back to the start in most cases. If and when I end up leaving, I wonder if they will even be able to hire someone in time for me to train them. Part of me wants to create this massive 'how-to' for whoever comes in to be nice to that person, the other half of me wants the company to have to deal with the problems that will happen when I leave. I don't know what will end up happening there. I just have to wait it out at this point, but it's bothering me because while I really do try to still do my job the best I can, all these pent up feelings from myself plus the complaints and hate coming from those I work with, are summing up to create a very difficult environment in which to work in. I'm finding I'm starting to make little mistakes, which I almost never made any mistakes before, because I simply want to go home at 5pm, instead of caring the extra bit to stay till 7 or later when I'm needed. Now I constantly have moving on on my mind when a project off in the distance comes up. I ask myself - will I even be here by the time that happens? When something like leaving your job becomes a matter of when instead of if, that's when you start to have trouble not letting your feelings towards it break down in some way - whether that be you start to miss it before you leave, or in most cases, how much you wish you were already gone...

For me, I'm letting it play out day by day, literally, because I might have a few key decisions to make this week. I'm supposed to find out if I got into the grad program I applied to in April. I know they had an 'overwhelming response' so I don't want to count on getting in too much as much as I've decided that I want to go. If I do get in, it basically means I'll be leaving my current job seeing as how they have threatened me I can't miss even half a day, so I doubt 3 weeks is going to go over too well. So I'm looking for other jobs, I've even had a couple interview offers (both of which didn't end up working out based on the job locations), but if I were to get an offer, it's not going to start out well that I have to take off 3 weeks in the beginning or before I start... even a company who might be ok with that or starting later than right away, might be more inclined to choose someone else over me just over that fact alone. I'm ready to deal with that, but it just puts me in a weird place now. Let's assume for a second that I do go into the grad program. I'll leave my job right before that, maybe I'll even be able to give them a month's notice at this point, I'll help train someone else, and I might try to line up a job for when I get back, but unless I get lucky it probably won't be that simple... then I will go to Austria for 3 intense weeks, far away and too busy enough to make it extremely difficult to look for a job to start when I return. So that puts me out of a job of any kind for at least 1-2 weeks, if not much longer, in the middle of August. Not to mention the 3 weeks when I'm away will also be unpaid and I can't even take on any freelance work (assuming I could find some quickly at all). I'm going to reach a point that way in which I can't be too picky, with what I do or how much I make, but downgrading from my already low salary and much too corporate position makes me worry a bit. So is going the right decision if I do get in? My heart still tells me it is. Finding this program was too perfect for me not to apply and though I might have only a slim chance of actually getting in, if I do I don't think I'll be able to pass it up.

I'm trying not to let too much hype built up about getting in or not. When I first applied I was very calm about it and I honestly felt that way too. But now, I'm feeling really unsure, perhaps because so much else rides on it now. Before I wasn't even convinced I wanted to leave this job to go into it if I got in, now I am hoping to go not just for the program, but to help me transition from the situation I'm in right now.

There is so much change going on around me right now that it's hard to feel secure in anything, but I know it will turn out ok and how it's supposed to. That doesn't always get rid of the feeling while you are waiting, but I guess it helps a little. I am trying to have faith that I'll end up on higher ground than I'm on now. That I will be better off in the long run. I wanted to switch jobs, so all this now pushes me to do it. I want to get my Master's and so this program becomes available for me to push myself to pursue it, even if I don't end up going right away, I know now that I won't just put it off forever (at least I hope I don't). I'm ready for these changes I think, but I will always have problems embracing change until I can feel it out just a little. I guess that's only natural.

Our Internet just went down at work and all the things I need to do for the rest of the day basically revolve around using the Internet, as a good majority of what I do here does. I keep forgetting and trying to open up things to do, only to find I need the Internet to complete them. Maybe I'll go update from flyers or something on my nice 23" mac screen... oh speaking of which, I'm getting a mac. I guess it was only a matter of time (much like my likely upcoming iPod ownership). Concetta just got a nice new powerbook, so she's selling her own computer to me. It will make a nice edition to my super studio that I'm trying to built. If it all goes according to plan (which it probably all won't be I'm going to try) it'll have a PC, a Mac, 2-3 printers (of different abilities of course), a decent and expanding sound system, a video editing/copying station, a charging station, paper and other supplies readily at hand, and a drafting table and supplies for me to work on my non-digital work as well. Not to mention the large library of tech, research, and other books I have plus too many magazines to count. I'm excited about it. It's actually already started to come together, which is more than I can say when I wanted to start setting up some of this at our old place. The fact was my computer stuff was in our bedroom, with just one little side to work with and it didn't feel like the right space to work anyhow. Having a separate room is really the key I think. It makes me want to go in there and work and not be distracted (well by outside sources anyway). So I'm looking forward to using it, especially if I end up being in there for long hours of project and paper creation for my Masters.

Still no Internet. Ahh... ok on to flyers. If this job was boring before, it is much worse now because I can't even do my job! Hopefully it'll be fixed soon, I suspect everyone else is having the same problem... not being able to surf to their favorite sites while pretending to do work... just kidding... sort of ;) Maybe this new trend of writing often will also be kept with more access to my computer (or soon I will say computers) at home in addition to my access at work. I'll have more to write soon. Until then...