Wednesday, June 23, 2005  2:22 pm  <|>
<221> To Leave : When you approach something new, something uncharted that you just can't be sure of, it's only natural to have your doubts about it. So many 'what if?' scenarios to play out inside of your mind. But in the end, usually most of these fears are unfounded and things work out ok, you sort of believe that or you wouldn't really go for that something in the first place. That's sort of where I'm at right now.

The news is: I got into the grad program I had been waiting to hear about. That's right, come the end of July I am off to Austria for 3 weeks... pretty scary, huh? I just found out last week and so it's all still pretty new. I of course had an idea that I might get in, but I guess part of me really didn't expect to. And I had kept myself from planning too much ahead because I didn't want to get my hopes up too high until I knew for sure. So now I've decided that I'm going, but I do feel a little weird about it... like it's still not real or something. I guess that's because it's a totally new concept for me... a lot of new things go with it... I've never been away from home, especially Dan, for this long before, I've never been this far away from home, I've never traveled alone, or been 'alone' for the amount of time I will be in this program. It seems manageable, but tough as it is seminars, workshops, and the like for 3 weeks straight (with weekends off to explore) but for the most part that's all I'll be doing. Hopefully I'm up for it, though it's hard to have confidence in something so new that I can't really think too much about it or I get overwhelmed. It's something I feel like I should do though... for some reason I've gotten this far in this direction for a reason, I do have to believe that... but now I'm trying to make sure it becomes a reality.

I've finally gotten my loan stuff figured out I think, so that helps me to be a little more secure about that. I still have to send in some forms - both for school and for the loan - but for the most part I'm in and that feels good, though still very scary also. This also allows the rest of my decisions to start their process. I told them at work what is going on and while the people I work for directly REALLY want me to stay, I have a feeling that HR and the company policy in general will not allow for it. I'm prepared for that though, and even though certain people (who are amazing me in this situation) are willing to fully go to bat for me to stay, I just don't expect for it to happen. There are too many adverse factors (for both me and them) for me to stay here. For them, it would be against policy, and that alone seems like it would be enough, but I also had the situation already that I'm one day over my sick/vacation time and supposedly not allowed to miss anymore days for the rest of the year. I've offered to take less pay in exchange, but that's not allowed. I'm told I can fill out the Family Leave forms, but while I keep being told they'll give those to me, I never see them. It just doesn't feel like HR wants me here to be honest, and at this point, maybe that's a good thing. Then there is the whole ignored evaluation/raise thing, which I'm not even going to get started on. On the other hand, it would be good to know I had a job to come back to... the thing is do I really want to come back to someplace that seems to feel I'm not that valuable, will most definitely not be offering me anymore money at that point, and who won't allow me to have any sick days from now until the end of the year? First of all, I just don't think the latter is going to be possible, because I do get sick sometimes and how am I supposed to be able to control that? And then it won't matter because I need to take a week and a half off in October for Dan's sister's wedding in England... so I was already figuring I'd have to leave by then anyway. All in all, I know I'm going to have to part... and it's bittersweet, but I have to feel like maybe that is part of the point of all this happening now. Maybe it is the final push that will make me move on to bigger and better things.

I've had two interviews now at different real estate companies, both for similar positions to the one I have now. One was a couple weeks ago and the other just yesterday. They both went alright I guess, but walking into those environments they feel incredibly more corporate somehow than the one I work at now does. I suppose that is partly because I am used to working where I do, but at the same time there is definitely a different feel from this place. It's weird to call my work place 'relaxed', but I suppose it is in many ways in comparison. I don't expect to really get either of these positions and perhaps that's partly because I don't really want either of them. The one a few weeks ago sounded like it could be a cool opportunity, as I'd be working both with the real estate company on site (which is in Conshohocken so outside of Philly is not really my preference) and a small design company at the same time for the position. The other I went for yesterday is more of a web design position and I'd probably have to brush up on my Flash, so being that I don't have Flash examples in my portfolio really I'm not going to be the exact fit they are looking for. It's good experience to get in extra interviews though I suppose. I've also come to the conclusion after the last interview that I should probably make up a nice print portfolio to showcase some of my work right at the interview itself because they did ask if I had one and of course I didn't. I'm not that worried that I didn't have one in this case, but it is something I had always been meaning to make for the future. Actually for awhile I had been interested in putting together something 'unique' to have as a leave behind, sort of a way to make myself stand out. One of my favorite things to research has been various promotional materials like that, so I suppose it couldn't hurt me to actually make one for myself. This is especially true since I'm actually looking to work someplace that is NOT a real estate company and hopefully a little more creative/exciting/flexible in the process.

The prospect of going into this program, coming through this residency, and then having a couple of weeks to job search / relax isn't so bad except for the whole needing money and benefits and stuff. The thing is I never really got a break throughout or right after college. I mean, if you think about it, I was sick from the end of sophomore year until almost the end of my senior year. I took a job a month after my transplant, which left me working part time while finishing school for 3 months. Before starting full time I did take one week off - but I can hardly remember it and I doubt it was enough to make up for all that other time of craziness really. So now I've been working steady since, with the only time off really for a few days off shortly after graduation and this year any time off going to me being incredibly sick or stuck in the hospital with medication pumping into me. I know what I really want is some time off to do my own thing and figure out more of the path I plan to take, but there just never seems to be enough time or the chance do to that. I feel selfish in even wanting this, because I know it's what many of my friends want and few of them can have. It's like I have this one terrible drawback because of my dependence on benefits and I hate it, because at least if I was healthier I could try to afford paying for some of it myself, but most insurance doesn't take you if you have pre-existing conditions.. or if you do it makes you pay for having them greatly. It's a holding back factor that I know many people face and it's so terrible that it has to exist if you ask me. We don't ask for illness in our lives, but it does happen and we are powerless to do anything but fight it the best we can ourselves... then on top of that we have to just try to get by otherwise even if the illness itself can be overcome.

I know I'd really like to just do something part time and/or do freelance, at least for a little while. But while this sounds great, I have my doubts about it on a number of levels. One, I have to pay bills and have some kind of insurance, neither of these things being too copasectic with unsteady workflow and income. The other thing is I don't know if I truly have enough confidence in my abilities and output to take on a bunch of freelance and do well at it. My skills on a lot of levels is rusty and I quickly feel outdated anymore when it comes to web design. I suppose my skills are still decent and it's not that I don't think I can learn, but I just haven't had the time or desire to do it as much as I used to. If I could get back into things and not be distracted, I know that would help me in a lot of areas - personal and professional work included... so I guess that is partly what I'm hoping to get out of being a student again. I did miss it. I started missing it almost immediately after graduating amazingly enough. Investing further into your education seems like a good idea, but it is hard for me not to get discouraged sometimes as some people just don't see the value in the further education like some others do. Pursuing this brings so much possibility and helps me prevent what I don't want, like being too settled and never really moving to where I could be. Moving forward is a process that you can't do overnight, but you have to keep the ball in motion, else it'll just get suck, stagnant for who knows how long.

But I'm done with ranting, this post is already pretty long and I'm fairly certain you are bored by now even if you did get this far. Things are sort of coming together... and I know they all will with time, now I just have to focus on keeping myself moving towards the goals I just can't help but pursue.