Wednesday, June 29, 2005 4:26 pm  <|>
<222> Light of Day : Sometimes things aren't how they appear to be. Things don't tend to work out how you think. Not even when you're pretty sure...

I seem to go throughout my life in weird spurts... periods of massive craziness, with things happening left and right, and then comes down time where nothingness flourishes... which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It makes sense I suppose, since once one thing is in motion it is more likely to set off other things, but it makes for some interesting balancing acts too. I'm struggling with so much change around me, me who once couldn't stand the idea in the slightest. Though now I wonder what the reasons were for my detest of it. I guess you get comfortable in what you have, in what is safe, but you have to take opportunities when they come or else you'll never learn or grow.

I'm watching a lot of people around me go through similar things. I guess we're all kind of at that point in our lives. There is so much choice around us, that's the paradox that's on everyone's mind. I haven't decided for myself if it's more positive or negative, but it feels like I'm moving towards positive things, so that's a start I guess.

I bought my plane ticket yesterday. The first time I've ever done that myself, or planned a trip all by myself too actually. The only times I've been on a plane were both in my senior year of high school, April 2000. The first week I took my first plane ride ever, to go to Disney World for our senior class trip. We stayed for about a week and upon our return I had maybe 2 days and then we were off to a trip to Europe, organized through one of the teachers at school who takes about 40 juniors and seniors every other year. That was 11 days going around England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland. It was tons of fun, but I remember being a bit scared to go when I was sitting in between those two days back at home. It was such a great experience, but when you're just about to take on such a thing it seems scary anyway. Now I'm taking an even bigger step, going off to Austria, my first time in a place that's primary language is not my own, for 25 days - almost a month! - when I've barely ever been away from home a week and definitely haven't been apart from Dan that long ever since we've been together in the last 2 years. It's weird and I can't even imagine what it will be like, though I know it'll be ok and I'll hopefully be so excited about the work and what's going on with the program that I won't notice too much... but it's still crazy to me that I'm actually doing it. I can't believe it's really going to happen!

Another thing that's changing... I'm losing regular access to my best friend... Concetta is moving back (unhappily) in with her parents for 2 months before she moves to Scotland for a year to go for her Master's. It's a great opportunity for her, and I'm glad now I'll be doing grad stuff myself at the same time since we're both interested in similar areas of art and such, but I'm still going to miss her and plenty of parts of me wish she wasn't going. These are the kind of choices we're all having to make lately I guess, whether to stay or go, in place, in relationships, and within ourselves... No one else but us as individuals can make those choices and all of them are tough to make, or tough to follow, depending on what those choices are. You have to make trades in the process and it's hard to see when you are right in the moment why you can't have it both ways sometimes. You wonder why fate plays tricks on you or if it's just your imagination. I try to always believe things work out the way they do for a reason, but how can you really be sure? You won't be able to see what was really down those other paths, you never can. So you can do nothing but accept the paths you do take and try your best to pick the ones that you think will bring you to better and better places. Sure, you may get lost along the way, but with so many other people traveling those same paths, you certainly can't be left wandering alone for too long...