Friday, July 15, 2005 1:26 pm  <|>
<225> Teetering Future : That quickly you can be left to question all that is before you - and you have to accept that you have very little control - not something that is easy for ANYONE to do...

I've become somewhat used to it and I think that's a shame. Even for someone who prides herself in keeping from being too disheartened every time a hope is dashed or even destroyed, some things just come too conveniently. I feel like I try to do my part. I try to follow the rules, the guidelines set forth in front of me... the ones I know I have to agree with or else I have to face the fear of losing more than I can afford. I long ago accepted that my path was going to be more uncertain than those around me. I knew that I had to live differently and look at things differently... simply to survive and to make it through whatever decided to come along in the process. I've learned a lot and even gained a lot from this outlook I think, but at the same time I lose some things that people just take for granted in being able to take as a given in their lives. The thing is, even though no one really knows what tomorrow will bring, I can be certain of nothing except that my tomorrow brings uncertainty. My 'set' plans can be forced to change on a whim of fate; my lost control left spinning out for who knows how long each time. And when I almost come to expect it, what then? It makes me feel like I'm controlling it all without my own knowledge, as if there is some force that uses it to change and defend against something that I can't see why it needs defending against in the first place. Why can't I take risks just like everybody else? Risks that I WANT to take, not ones that are thrown at me for a change. What lies within me that makes this all so difficult? I guess I might never find out, but I'm certainly not going to give it up without a fight...