Sunday, July 31, 2005 11:55 am [GMT+1]  <|>
<227> Expanding Plans: I now attempt to write out what, in my head, spins around just about everyday. There is so much I want to do, but I also know my weakness is taking on too much - so the solution that I have come up with is to make my goals known, by others besides my closest friends in passing, so that my success can be measured accordingly. If you think about it, it does make sense. After all, when are you the most productive (whether you like it or not)? It's when you are being watched, monitored, expected to deliver in a set amount of ways. That's part of the reason I wanted to go to grad school. Yes, I wanted to learn and meet likeminded people and certainly that has already been important, but I also wanted to place myself in an environment in which it would not be ok to let my ideas fade away in the pages of my sketchbook. No, instead once I set out with a goal to make something out of my concepts, it is now a matter of (semi) public knowledge and therefore I must do my best to follow through. It is what keeps me going and all in all, I like it that way.

So now, you may be thinking, what? Well, certainly I've come up with quite a number of ideas lately, especially since I've started this program… but my first acceptance has to be that I can't take it all on at once. Because of this, it now becomes my burden to pick out just one or two thoughts that should first come to completion and this is proving to be perhaps the most difficult task. Though I have a couple of decent options, I still haven't decided what my semester project should be… but I imagine a lot of my fellow students are also in the same boat. In addition, I'm toying with smaller ideas that I feel like I could either put together quickly or keep going on the side without too much torment, but that's always a relative thought. I mean sure, as I sit here on the weekend with the option to work or go sightseeing (and actually tend to pick the former) I feel like I have all the time in the world. But, I know that once I return home this will be a different story entirely.

I return to the "working world" in 2.5 weeks. At the moment, being that 2 weeks exist before my return home at all, that seems like an eternity away… but I know that's really not the case. I suppose it would all come too fast if it weren't for the last fact anyway. I know I don't want to go back to my current job really. I didn't want to be there in the first place and now with changing status I can't even predict what it will be like. Will it just be the same as it always was? Well, certainly not if they hire someone else in addition (which by the way I have recently expressed to them - and am still awaiting a response - that to do this after my return would be a bad idea). If they do that, then I'm assuming my days there are numbered, which I suppose I know they will be anyway. Several times I have thought about leaving and now with new light shed on their treatment, I know really it's the right thing to do. Unfortunately in this world, they also expect you to do the right thing and pay your bills every month, so I am doomed to return there (or somewhere) without too much time elapsing. I envy a lot of people here who I am finding either are artists purely in their days, run their own companies, or teach - all full time jobs but certainly they must be much more enjoyable. Granted a lot of them are older and have had more time to establish themselves and get to a place where they want to be - but still, I've never been the patient type when it comes to taking my time to get where I want to be going, so why start now? I want to return to options… ones that I know just might not be there for awhile… yet I feel like they must be there now, if only I could find them. I won't really know until I get back to Philly at least, but one thing I know for sure, I can't just wait around… I'll be keeping my eyes open and looking for the next step in the path that I feel is guiding me to something great.