Friday, August 5 , 2005 1:37 pm [GMT+1]  <|>
<228> Conditioning: So when I return from this place, one in which I've become almost accustomed already… what will have changed? Will I no longer accept the drab day to day as I once knew it? I suspect this to be the case, but I cannot be sure until I am back within that other situation. I came here to escape, didn't I? Not from my surroundings, but from where I was headed by staying within its confines perhaps? I cannot be sure once again. Time passes in a mix of slow and quick, but I can never be sure which one I'm experiencing until after I'm through.

Not so unrelated is my desire for something better, which has always been present, but now it seems like it is a must. If I return and don't force myself to find that something better, then I'm afraid it might get lost from me completely… or at least for quite a while.

The end of my second week here in Austria is here. One week remains. It does feel like too long ago that I set foot on dirty city ground, but I know that being here has been a good experience. This coming week promises to keep us pretty busy. We got a little break here and there this week because one of our speakers wasn't able to make it at the last minute so all the things we would have spent time with him on were canceled. We also had studio time more open as even though we had tasks to do for our workshops, often, for myself at least, I was able to knock out the work the night before following the end of our class day. Now it is time to decide on our actual projects for the next semester or entire next year. I'm mixed with mine. I've been fairly sure of what I generally wanted to do for some time now, but when it comes to deciding on the exact details or just how far I will go, that is another matter entirely. I know I want to do something on social networking, but to keep it remaining artistic more than technical, I have to struggle a little bit. Even though I am trying to make myself do more installation and site specific work, or even just more physical work to keep it more broad, I seem to keep coming back to interactive web applications. But it's the curse you face when you come from a technical background before any kind of art I suppose.

I'm tired today… it's been a long week. There is talk of going in to Vienna tomorrow. If I'm going to go at all (before I have to go to get to the airport next Sunday that is) then I really have to go tomorrow. But I am so exhausted by Friday that just chilling out in my room for the weekend starts to sound pretty appealing. Some people would consider it a waste to be here and not experience everything you could. I thought I'd be that way when I was planning my trip… but now that I'm here and the workload, though it is more long than intense, keeps me feeling more settled than touristy, which overall is a good thing actually. If I do decide to go it'll probably be because I think I should go. What will really help me to decide is who else is going. I've made some friends here with whom I usually spend my time with, both in class and out. If some of them go, then perhaps I'll be persuaded. If not, it isn't a huge deal to me because I know that next year when Dan is here we're going to want to go and see a lot of things. That's when I'll check out all the museums and sites and such. It'll probably seem even busier next year when we are actually presenting our work from the year AND planning for the year to come… but having Dan here will be worth the extra craziness that will be required on top of all that.

So all in all, I'm very inspired by being here. I write down a bunch of ideas everyday it seems. Although I know some of these will most likely never come to be a reality, that's not really the point. It's that all this gets your mind going, which tends to slow or even cease when you are normally surrounded by the 9-5, corporate world. I really have to get out of there. I have a couple places I wouldn't mind working that seem to have openings. I'm going to really give them a good shot if it seems that my pending independent employment might be in question upon my return. I'm sure it'll be there for a little while, but just how long is difficult for me to tell at this point (and from this far away!). It would be great if I could be in some flexible place until the end of the year. There is Dan's sister's wedding in England at the beginning of October (plus my own brother's wedding a week before that in NJ), then I am supposed to go with Concetta to Scotland for new year's... so that's another week right there that I'll need to not work or be in a flexible position. I really need my own company, haha. Such is the curse of that too when you start out with working independence young. If only I didn't need such strict things within employment (like good benefits, which really everyone technically needs) then I feel like not only could I be more picky, but I could succeed on a freelance basis too. Who knows, maybe this will work out for the better more than I even know. Only time will tell, but one thing I do know - I need to keep myself from being reconiditoned into a mindset and place that will prevent me from moving further on all kinds of levels. I know I have already began to overcome what has built up and I'm determined to keep it that way.