Wednesday, December 21, 2005 11:01 am  <|>
<241> Changing Edge: There are a bunch of things in motion right now... I guess you could say it feels like too much is going on. I am left questioning a lot in this time of year where days should be, you know... merry and bright... But instead this time of year brings a lot of stress to those around me, for various reasons, and it's tough to not really be able to do much at all to help. For myself too, I'm thinking about all this stuff... I'm wondering if I should switch jobs or if I really even want to... I'm fighting off the fear that if I do switch I'm going to end up being sorry I did and not have anyway to go back. I'll be making just a little bit more after the New Year which should help, but it's just not enough according to what I need to keep going and not be just barely scraping by like we sort of are now. I figured all this budgeting and such out and I actually did a good job, it's just I couldn't figure on the two big trips I took this year. Starting with missing 3 weeks of work for my residency this passed summer and then the trip in October to England/Scotland. After that one I really got hit because I missed another weeks pay on top of adjusting to my new status and not being paid for anytime I'm not in the office. There is just no way to figure an hourly pay as well, especially not when you are used to a set amount coming in each week. I haven't even begun to take money out for taxes, which hopefully won't be too bad this year since I did work half the year as a regular employee but I also know that isn't how it works and I'm certain I'll end up owing something in taxes. The loan is going to help come February, but the money is really already spoken for between tuition and the cost of flying to the residency next year.... actually I'm not even certain it's going to cover all of that.... so I need to figure out a plan for that as well.

I guess I'm sort of doubtful today because it's holiday bonus time and I'm starting to think that I might not be getting any kind of bonus at all this year. This is the week they are usually given out, but as an independent contractor this year I already automatically don't get the usual company bonus, which I can't even begin to say how much that would help right now.... then there was also a small bonus from my department last year which as I haven't heard even a mention of it I'm thinking maybe they decided to skip this year because of the small portfolio or whatever. If that's the case I just have to deal with it, but I was just really hoping a little something could help go a long way in the situation I'm in now.

I know it will get better eventually, but it's just a crummy way to start out in terms of all the things Dan and I want to accomplish. I consider all my debt my own and not in anyway his, but it's a rough thing to throw on the side of anything we build together as a couple moving forward. He does as much as he can, but I do live more expensively (though I guess I wouldn't call our lifestyle expensive...) but he'd be willing to live with much less than I am. That's partly because I feel like if I spend my days working hard and using up all my time I should at least be able to come home to a somewhat ideal setting. Right now I do - I love what we have, our place, etc... and I don't want to let any of it go. I'm not saying I feel like that's the point we're at or anything, but it's just annoying.

I know it's really these trips... but I don't regret grad school (plus I need it to move up to the next step in my career hopefully) and I can't think a couple days off and a plane ticket or two should really kill me... I just have to remind myself that as time goes on I should be making more money... I'm already doing pretty well and would be in great shape if I hadn't missed that week in October. That seriously is what is messing me up mostly right now because I'm almost exactly 1 week behind in pay money... meaning if I hadn't left for that week I wouldn't notice the time now at all practically... so since I've been able to gain a little bit of the slack back since then and it's only been a couple months I have to think that with a couple more, especially with a pay increase of anykind, I'll be able to help make up the difference even sooner. Plus I've been trying to get in extra hours at work where I can... but usually that just means I get to equal out to hours by the end between all the days off I have to take right now that would be paid holidays for everyone else because of the time of year. But that's the hit you take and the price you pay for freedom to some degree. I do like the freelance status for the freedom part, who wouldn't?

So even though it probably sounds like it, I'm not really down or anything... I'm really just talking out my thoughts here. But there is a lot going on. There is just a bunch of decisions to make and some are happening on top of each other so that I can't be sure of the decisions I should be making fully. Like if I get a little more income next year from this job situation, is that going to be enough and will work because I'll be staying in a place I know and do well at... or would it be better to switch to a new job completely which makes just a little bit more than that but that I'm completely new to and unsure of even liking? See, it's not a very easy decision. I'd really like to be able to get through the next few months at the same job and see how the situation changes once March comes and our offices move and things change a lot again... but if I get a great offer before that will I kick myself later for not taking it when I had the chance? Grr...

Oh well, for now I should just not worry too much about it. Tonight Dan and I are going to do Christmasy things - decorate our tree (which is up but just not decorated yet), finish shopping for presents, wrap presents, buy the rest of our cards, and such and such. We'll listen to some Christmas music and do some cleaning and hopefully it'll be a good night. We both got a good night's sleep last night... I feel asleep before 10PM!!! Of course then I woke up at 2AM and was semi-awake but I did go back to sleep for the rest of the night. Had some crazy (but good) dreams too! Look what real sleep will do to you!

Our company pollyanna gift exchange is happening at lunch today. The meal is catered... just lunch platters and things, so we'll see what there is for me to eat even though they always try to think of me. I'm still never used to being the only vegetarian in the group anymore with all the friends I have that are vegetarian or vegan... kind of funny, but not a big deal I'll find something to eat (hopefully cause I'm pretty hungry now!). Until later!