Sunday, March 18, 2007 12:45 pm  <|>
<260> Fighting Fractions: When there's so much to do - a lot at once - even when a lot of it is stuff you want to do, yes, well it can be a little overwhelming I guess. But actually I've always done better when faced with a lot. At least I'd like to think so. I'm basically at odds with myself right now, inside and out. There are things I want. There are things I need to do. Then there is everything else... but I lack the energy to do even one of these things fully and that gets frustrating after awhile. It's like I have to remain on a delay with everything, even the things that are moving forward. And while I try to break out of it and it "seems" to get better, and yea I suppose it is a lot better than it was at one point, it still goes along slowly and definitey not at the pace I would prefer. It doesn't stop me though. I sure don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I might as well continue today anyway because there isn't any better way to be. I feel like I am going to wake up one day and magically feel better. Instead for now there are good days and bad, but this structure I am used to, it's just on perhaps a different level now. I worry that other days could return unwanted, but I fight those even though I realize how little control I have. But I do have control. I realized this power awhile back, but I feel somehow that I lost it with all this latest trouble. I feel like it's all right there, for me to take back, and maybe I can, but to get started... that's the key.

I am split right now... first between the good feelings and the bad, that already divides my daay and affects how the good parts go. Then there is the energy level... that mostly is lacking and any little bit I get is quickly used up before another rest is needed. If that could repair a bit I think it would go a long way. People have the most trouble understand that part I think.... I would too maybe if it wasn't me. It seems I'm being lazy... but really my body simply doesn't have the energy to keep moving for long periods of time. So I spend most of my day on the couch... thank goodness for my laptop + wireless internet... but that only goes so far. Your friends want you to go out with them, to come over, to get up off the couch. But to do so takes SO MUCH and to do more, to push, only goes so far too. I have to regain strengh and certainly you don't gain it by sitting on the couch, but when it's medically induced, it's not as if I can build up much when I have no energy to use to build it. I take everything I have just to do the simple things, and when I push too hard then I really feel it. I know it can't be like this forward. I certainly don't want it to be. The other problem has mostly gone away, though really it's just hidden I think. But for now it's better than nothing. I know the battle there is far from over too. But I'll tackle that when I come to it.

So now there are plenty of things I SHOULD be doing. The things I'd rather do firstr are of course the things I need to do last... that's almost always the way. But for now I think I'll go and eat something... then get to work. Until next time!